I'm emailing this to both your email because I'm not sure which one you're going to check first.

Hey…finally got to emailing you. Weird thing is, I've been thinking about writing it ever since I told you I'd email you later. Benny had to remind me I had a lot of homework to do a couple of times. I guess it's a good thing though. Now that it's the three day weekend I can have plenty of time to write all I want without worrying what time it is. Dunno if you've forgotten about me, but yeah. Right now the first thing that pops into my head is, "We're not what we used to be, huh?" In all honesty I do miss how it was before when I could just enjoy being there with my buddies, and if I could use a time machine to get things to be the way it was before with anybody, you'd be on the top of my list.

I found this written in one of the notepad files I saved probably a long time ago:

What a screwed up family I have. No unity at all. Jazmin and I are going to move out someday and become roommates =)

I remember that. It's sad isn't it? To look back at how sister-like (but not like lizette's spankings) we were and look at us now? That thing I said about becoming perverted grandmas and asking for cups of free ice from cashier boys…it was how we dreamed our futures together would be like. We felt so sure of it… and now is the time to determine whether or not this will come true.

So anyway…

Do you seriously think I'm too judgemental? I'm sorry if you think I am. I don't judge people by first encounter…that's a promise. But when people do things that make me wonder, "Is this person someone I really want to be with?" that's something I don't ignore… Like, you know how I've been careful with who I want to be with, I've still been hurt by people I thought were my friends. So what if I was less "judgemental" of people? Would I be even MORE hurt? And then maybe you'd think…"well stop being so picky about everyone and you'll be less hurt." I thought about that, but I still can't get past the fact that people who do things can do them again and the question "why would they do that in the first place if we were true friends" crosses my mind. I know of the saying "forgive and forget," but I remember you saying everything happens for a reason. I believe in that too. Why would you forget anything if everything happens for a reason? Do you know what I mean? I'm just trying to explain to you how I feel and why I'm the way I am.

So the real question is, should we try making us the way we used to be? And maybe even better? I know you probably expected a final answer from me, but I'm still unsure. I'll have to answer your question with questions. Do you still like me for me? If you feel I'm not up to your standards, just be honest. Not harsh, but honest. I really, really don't want to continue a friendship that will fail again. It's been a bumpy and very painful road. You made me believe that we would be best friends again and you led me to believe you had nothing against me. But after what's happened, I finally realized that wasn't the case… I just want a truthful answer this time. Will you truly tell me what's on your mind? And not blow me off, especially when I'm thinking everything's okay and when I'm waiting for you to show up and be here? I know I am a very picky person. I believe my pickiness isn't just because I'm an a-hole…I believe it is a way to keep myself away from people who would end up hurting me and anyone else I care about. I totally understand if you believe my pickiness is a bad thing and that it's not for a good cause… I'll accept that we just don't have to same thoughts and morals. All you need to do is be honest.

And to answer you, I won't hold anything back as long as you'll listen for a while and be honest with me. You say you wish I would have confided in you about Edwin and stuff. I DID. I tried talking about Edwin, and you never replied about him. I told you before I was reluctant to tell you how I felt because you pushed me away when I tried to talk about how I wanted to be included with you and Edwin. It's common sense… when someone pushes you away when you want to talk about something, wouldn't you want to NOT confide in them and tell them other things that are on your mind? Chances are, they'll probably push you away just like before. So if you'd ever like me to open up my heart to you, don't ignore me and don't push me away.

Okay, now on to the "excuses." I apologize if they seriously weren't "excuses" as to why you didn't contact me. If it would help you understand better, you always seemed to have an excuse. It seemed like an easy way to avoid me. I really did believe you, but then it started to get old to hear all of these reasons all the time again and again. Example: Wouldn't you feel left in the dark and suspicious if someone kept telling you "I'll call you" every day for months and had excuses every day telling why they couldn't call? Again, I'm sorry if they weren't just made up excuses.

BTW, I find that very odd that hotmail and yahoo don't work at your house. Do you have a sucky internet connection or what? Or is it all that brother porno?

Now for the ignoring me for the past month thing. I don't mean saying hi to me when we see each other. I meant the email thing. The birthday thing. When I emailed you that email on "Dec 11, 2005." I also remember it asking about Edwin. You never replied to that one. You also never replied to my birthday invitation. You also never came to my "miserable sixteen," (supposedly sweet sixteen) as I call it. And then when I saw your very recent, happy little messages on MySpace, I was heartbroken. That was when I sent you the "hello and goodbye" email. Ironically, you replied right away to that one. That's what I meant when I said you ignored me for the past month. Waving to each other in the hallway is not an issue to me. Oh and while I mentioned MySpace, Benny erased you from his? Well I didn't know that; he didn't tell me either unless my memory is that bad. He does what he does and they are his choices. I haven't told him what to do. But if you think that was uncalled for, you deleting me off your MySpace is uncalled for also. So maybe it's karma.

Speaking of waving each other in the hallway, that was weird wasn't it, that day we almost ran into each other and said hi to each other. I said hi out of habit and instinct… I guess it shows something doesn't it? (that I missed how we were before)

I'm glad you don't think our friendship in middle school meant nothing to you. That'd be another blow to my heart. I know it wasn't deep, but those were some good times weren't they? What's wrong with being able to laugh until our stomachs hurt? You're right, we COULD have had a deeper relationship, but we hadn't known each other for that long. We had more time for us to establish a deeper relationship. And anyway, I had a deep friendship with NO ONE in middle school and you were the closest thing to a deep friendship. Maybe it was otherwise for you, but that's how it was for me, so I don't really consider it a shallow friendship.

I compared my relationship with Benny with yours and Edwin's not because I wanted to seem better. I compared it because what I was trying to say was… if we're going to argue (or you ignore my attempts to try and talk about it anyway) over a boy, it should at LEAST be someone you're serious about. I don't get why someone would date someone else if they truly didn't want a serious relationship. What's the point? What's wrong with being friends if you don't want to get into it? Why should we argue over a boy that is only for now? So what I meant was, if you and I are going to argue over a BOY, at least make it a boy you LOVE and a boy you WANT to marry. That's what I meant when I compared our relationships. That's what I meant when I said that part of the argument was pointless.

Trust me, I've posted a lot of letters up on my blog. Whether they brought sad tears or happy tears to my eyes. I never told you because the thought that someone other than me actually wanted to read them never occurred to me. And a lot of entries are password protected. That blog is more for me than it is for anyone else. I told you a long time ago I let out my feelings by writing them out. That's cool that you've become more emotional/girlish. But unfortunately I haven't been able to see that side.

I skimmed through those 05 pics too. Didn't get a chance to look at them closely but I did see some of us, and they were very miss-able moments weren't they? It's like once you see those pictures you can remember what happened that day and who said what.

I'd really like to answer your questions, but for now I have questions for you before I can answer yours. A lot of the questions I have are in the above paragraphs. And I have a few more for you right here below. Don't be in a hurry to reply to me…I'd really like all of these questions answered… truthfully.

So if we were to try once again, do you seriously think we will succeed? Because if you don't believe so, there's no point in trying. Like before, when in reality you pretended everything was fine and I believed you and you secretly had your doubts. That led me in the wrong direction. And I don't ever want that to happen again. I'm tired of having my hopes given up. As for me, I won't know if it'll work or not until you answer my questions. And if we did reconcile, it would still be awkward I would imagine. It's kind of hard to forget what's happened. It's still very painful for me. But if we did somehow try to be together once again, would you walk away when the moment is too awkward for you? I wouldn't walk away, even if it was awkward. Because if you walk away, then for sure it will always stay awkward. If you stay and work at it, there's at least a chance of it going away. At least then there's a chance of letting our friendship grow until we were comfortable enough to let the silence be comfort when there is silence and let the conversation be comfort when there is conversation. Not awkwardness. It seemed before that you were never willing to make an effort to be closer to me, to spend more time with me. I NEED a friend that cares, that thinks of me when they think of the movies, that asks me over the weekend if we should go somewhere, that tries to get me to smile when I'm down, that wants to plan a sleep over, that calls me just to see what's up, that thinks of me when the teacher mentions a group project. Maybe it sounds a lot, but it's not. It's what true friends do. It's what other people have that we don't. If I could get something like that, I know I would be the best friend I can be. I keep my promises and I get very attached to my loved ones.

If you decide or I decide not to give it a try, what would your thoughts be if we became "distant friends"? Like, saying hello, the occassional hang out, nothing serious? And if you or I decide not to give that a try either, how about the "hello in the hallway" type of friends? And if it comes down to it, the "I don't know you and I can't see you" type of relationship? I'd rather not have the latter happen. I mean, if anything we should have the "hello in the hallway" thing going on at least.

Don't get me wrong… I love the Jazmin I KNEW very much. I CHERISH our good memories. It's just, the bad things have thrown me off. And before I decide anything, I'd like to hear your answers to my very important questions. And if things work out, I will be very happy. And if things don't work out, I will still be thankful that we have ended the confusion and doubting and I will still cherish our old good memories.