This is the worst I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I’m not exaggerating, because I have never felt such a pain before. It feels so big and I feel like my little body can’t handle it.
He broke up with me today. For real. This isn’t April Fool’s Day. Maybe I’m the fool or he’s the fool, but this is no joke.
We’ve been having problems lately…arguing everyday about something small and pointless. By the end of the day we were usually back in love again, or so I thought. No matter what was going on, I truly believed it would be okay in the end. But suddenly one day it crashed and he decided to end it, leaving me totally shocked, totally crushed. I read and commented on a blog once that sounded exactly like this one…I hope you’re reading this, or I hope you see this someday because I’d love to let you know that you’re not alone and I feel so much pain just like you.
For the past two weeks he didn’t call me. It got me really depressed, worrying, and feeling so lonely. I finally was able to ask him why he didn’t call. His answer was “I really don’t know…” That got me really sad. So since then I’ve been crying, even in school. Finally, on the last day of school, which is today, we sat down in our usual spot on Fridays. I was still upset and crying, but at the moment I didn’t know what kind of worse pain there would be later. He told me he didn’t deserve me and that it would be the only way to end my pain. He told me he made me cry too much. He told me I would find some other boy that would treat me right… At this point my pain grew like a disease and fear was attacking me. I really, really wanted things to be okay. I really wanted to fix things and work them out. But all he could say was “I’m sorry.” I begged him. I became hysterical. Yet he seemed to have deaf ears and said only these words: I’m sorry. I kissed him. Yet he didn’t seem to think anything of it. It was horrible…
It was the worst way to break up… It was nothing like those movies where they shared one last special kiss and hug. He just got up and left me… And it was so stupid too… He left to pay his book fine… I begged to come walk with him, but he didn’t let me. He was like… laughing at me. A nervous laugh, maybe surprised at my hystericalness. As he walked away, I sat down. Maybe in disbelief. He never came back. So I walked home. I considered suicide. Walking in front of a car. Taking pills, cutting myself. Anything. Until I remembered that I had always believed before that suicide was selfish and wrong.
I was desperate to talk to someone. I felt so alone. So lonely. So hurt. Yet…I couldn’t think of anyone to call. That left me even more heart broken. The minute I walked through the door of my house my brother greeted me, originally planning to take me out to eat because it was the last day of school. My face probably told him everything. I made him promise not to tell mom and dad and once he finally promised I spilled out my bleeding heart. I spent a long time talking to him, crying. After hours of talking and crying, my tears were subsiding. I was still feeling more hurt than ever, but the tears stopped. Eventually I laid down on the couch and drifted off to sleep. It only lasted an hour, and when I woke up I felt horrible. It was as if I was in a nightmare and everything rushed back to me. So, more tears came.
I’m so angry at myself for letting myself think about so many good things in the future. I know I’ve always believed that looking at the future is what keeps you going, but right now I feel that is a set up for heartache and disappointment. I remember when I first entered this relationship, I was reluctant to let myself get too attatched, too hopeful so that I would not be crushed if it ended. But somehow I slowly let that go and dreamed about so many things.
I feel so stupid. I asked him to marry me. He always answered “Someday, yes.” And now that someday is never.
Right now I feel so vulnerable. I feel like a bad person for some reason. Maybe it was meant to be, for me to feel this pain. If past lives ever existed, mine must have been spoiled and rotton for me to pay for it so badly now.
Everything reminds me of him. Everything. If someone talked to me I would remember something about him. Penguins…the day I went to the hospital to see him after he got his appendix out. Maple Story…we always played together and I stopped leveling up just so he could catch up. Walking to school or home…he always escorted me. Birds…he helped me get rid of Tweeters by giving him to his grandma. Cell phone…he used to be the only one that called and texted me. Palm trees…he once banged his head into one thinking I wanted him to (although I didn’t even know he was about to). Flowers…he used to tell me I smelled like flowers. Cookies…he always loved eating cookies and he liked mixing them into his milk. Hair…he used to not know how to give orders on how to get his hair cut, so it ended up looking funny. There’s so much more. One word can bring back so many memories.
I’m so hurt. We promised. Promised. Promised that if we ever had any doubts we would tell each other everything. We wouldn’t suddenly decide to tell the other “Hey, it’s over” and leave the other stunned because that’s the cruelest thing a boyfriend or girlfriend could do. But it happened. He broke this promise. I told him once I thought it was such a cruel thing and he agreed. He agreed… But look now. He did it…. he did something heartless and cruel. I remember the countless times where he was afraid he’d lose me. Where he asked me if I still loved him and wanted to be with him. I always assured him that I did. But now look… I’m the one that’s hurt.
I also remembered us talking about relationships. We both had a deep talk and agreed that relationships died only because the couple did not try hard enough to fix it. If they actually tried their best and not let go, it would work out. I still believe that…but it seems as though he completely forget this.
When he told me we should break up I broke down and said through sobs, “You don’t love me anymore then…” and he replied, “I do…” That’s a lie. If he loved me he would have never let me go. He would have never let me go through this pain. If somehow he still truly loves me, I think he made a grave mistake.
There are so many unfinished things. Our future together. We were planning to go to college together. We were going to get a pet bird and dog. We dreamed of what our house would look like. We were going to travel together and see new places. We were going to watch tons of movies and anime. Kima Ga Nozomu Eien. It was an anime we didn’t finish watching together. It’s supposed to be very sad. I kept putting it off because I don’t like sad endings. But maybe now I’ll watch it, because more sadness really won’t matter anymore. All the things that seemed so simple and wonderful now seem so impossible. It hurts so badly.
I feel such losses. I lost my friends. Deep in my heart I wondered if I could keep both friends and a lover. In the end, I chose lover instead because I believed I saw something lasting and deeper. But I guess I was wrong… It makes me wonder what it would have been like if I had chosen my friends. I’m not so sure that would have been much better since people change and grow distant. I feel such regret. Losing the people I love. Maybe I should have been nicer. Maybe I deserve this.
This is who I am. I need people. I’m dependent. I need to be with people. I envy people with friends. I’d love to have those little slumber parties, go out to eat after school, or just hang out at the mall, like every other person has done. I’m a loner, but I just can’t live like this because it crushes me inside. All my life all I’ve ever wanted was a solid friend. One I could lean on and vice versa, always. I’ve never been able to have that. Maybe for a while I would, but they would move away, or change their feelings towards me, or slowly grow distant. In 8th grade I wanted to kill myself because of my lonliness. I was so sick of it. The only thing I could do was make my grades pretty. It was the only thing I could look at and be happy about. Finally in 9th grade as my grades were falling and the emptiness just didn’t go away, I found my savior. My Benny. My Jaredth. My grades this year have been higher than ever because he helped me and gave me hope. I wanted to get good grades to get into a good college and after getting into a good college, get a good career so we can live happily ever after. That was my goal in life. Now I have no goals. They disappeared, in just one day. I don’t know if I can survive these next two years of high school, and maybe even college.
I feel like I’ve been in a literature book. You know, where there are omens all over the place. Yesterday my brother and I were watching a TV show about Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpon’s break up. I actually felt sad about it, because I really like them together. And for English class we had to write a short story. I chose to write a love story. It was about a girl that had her heart broken because her boyfriend broke up with her, suddenly and shockingly with no time for her to adjust. Everything seems to coincide. Today reminded me of Samantha and Mike. They were the cutest couple I had ever seen. The last day of school I was not sad because I wanted to leave my past behind. But when I saw Samantha so hurt I feel so bad and cried for her. Although we’re not on good terms anymore, I know that Samantha and I have at least shared one thing…the pain of losing someone you love. And with this, even though Samantha and I have had bad times, I just want to say I’m sorry and hug her. This is how badly I feel.
Even if I have ever disliked you or ever wronged you, I just want to say I’m sorry. I’m not sure why I’m sorry…I just am. I want to tell the entire world I’m sorry for whatever I’ve done.
I’ve been crying for hours. I’m not sure when I’ll be able to stop. Maybe never. Because I think my heart will always cry for him.
I love that boy. Not loved. Love. I always have and always will. I told him I’d love him forever, and I never break my promises. Because that is who I am. I still love him. He hurt me so much by doing this to me, but my heart loves him dearly. Maybe that really is true love. When you’re crushed, but you know you still love him.
November 30, 2004: The beginning of my happiness
June 15, 2006: The end of my happiness.
If you think this ended my pain, Benny, you are so, so wrong. I feel miserable. I’d love to kill myself if I didn’t think suicide was selfish. You’re not doing this for me. If you are, you’re acting really foolish. If you don’t love me anymore, then I must accept that. But if you use me as an excuse, stop it. Because you didn’t end my pain, you only tore open my wounds and left me waiting for you to sew them back together, although now I see you aren’t coming back.
Summer has begun. But for me summer has ended. Because I see no sunshine. I see nothing but clouds and tears.
I’m sorry, my bleeding heart. I trust you and I always have and you’ve never let me down. I’m sorry to say other people have let you down.
http://www.fadedout.com/lovecorner – A corny website we created a while ago…unfinished… It used to be password protected, but what’s the point now?
I visited someone’s Xanga and her music described my feelings so well… If you ever get to see this Benny, please listen to “Like Vines” by The Hush Sound.