This is going to be a very long entry. But what can you expect after I haven’t updated for months?
So. It’s been almost an entire summer. Has anything new happened since my last post in June? You bet! The ex-boy and I were exchanging letters through MySpace. Mainly because I needed my answers. I wanted to know why he did it. I wanted to know many things. Here is the final letter I sent him:
Sorry mister, but you still don’t make sense. Are you listening to yourself?
Those two years were the best years of your life and they will be for a very long time… and yet you still threw me away as a girlfriend and as a friend. Yeah, it sure makes a lot of sense.
You failed. You failed as my boyfriend. And you failed as my bestfriend. And you failed as my friend. And you failed in being a DECENT person to me. Do you know how many strikes that is? Four strikes. Four chances to have made things better. But no, you kept letting yourself take the strikes. For a guy that has “changed” you sure don’t like taking charge of the situation and changing them before they get sour. That’s one thing that hasn’t changed about you. You were always unsure about what you were saying and what you were doing and now you are no different.
You didn’t lead me on at FIRST. But you KNEW something was going wrong with our relationship. When I was getting worried you didn’t say ANYTHING to me; you NEVER told me what was on your mind. And when I told you I loved you, you would echo my words and tell me you loved me too.
I know you keep thinking you were in love with me. But I would like to tell you what *I* feel love is. Love is special. It’s a word that is as strong as hate. LOVE IS FOREVER. That’s how special it is. If love was as simple to just suddenly stop loving someone, how special can you say it really was?
Love is when you love that person no matter what. You can’t suddenly “fall out of love” with that person. Love is forever. If you can stop loving them easily, you probably didn’t care about them as much as you had thought. And if you didn’t care about them as much as you had thought, can you honestly say it was love?
And if you call that love, maybe you should call it cheap love. So either way, that’s pretty pathetic isn’t it? And personally, I’d rather not have cheap love as part of my vocabulary. It’s either love or not love. To me, love is a very strong word. Love is a word so strong that it is forever. It’s not a weak word, where you can say you’ve suddenly stopped loving someone. If that’s the case, it wasn’t love. It was lust. It was fake.
You would still love this person, even when they have made mistakes. You are not romantically interested in any other people. Even if you had the chance with other people, you would never give this person up.
You are willing to go through bad times if you can get back some good times with your lover. You would do anything for this person.
Therefore. You DID NOT love me. I’m human. I make mistakes, just like everyone else. Some people make more mistakes than others. But in the end, you still judged me. That’s not love.
You say you still care for me as a friend. Well hon, you have a lousy way of showing it. So do me a favor and stop â€œcaringâ€ for me.
You don’t know me then. I keep grudges, maybe. I have EVERY right to keep them, and you know it. I fight for my beliefs. I donâ€™t let people walk all over me. Even so, I have NOT kept my grudges forever. I’ve forgiven everyone I know, with the exception of YOU. People have wronged me, but I realized NONE of them hurt me as much as you hurt me. That stuff was small fry compared to the shit you put me through. And even after avoiding these people for so long, they still opened their arms and held me when my heart was bleeding. Something that you did not do. I hope you’re happy, knowing that I’ve forgiven everyone except for you.
Yes, Jaredth. Surprise. Iâ€™m a human and I make mistakes. And yet, you never faced me about my flaws. Love is about realizing a personâ€™s flaws and still loving them for who they are, and maybe even helping them become a better person. You couldnâ€™t do that for me. Do you need more reasons for why I say you didnâ€™t love me?
You had friends and slowly let them go to be with me. Does this story sound familiar? YES. It is my story as well. Donâ€™t make it sound like you were the only one that suffered. But guess what? You did nothing to change it. You didnâ€™t even talk to me about it. I thought you wanted more time together because you never talked to me about it. You canâ€™t expect things to get better and change if you donâ€™t even talk about it and take action. Balancing things out is a challenge, but itâ€™s doable. If you had let me know what you were thinking, I would have been open to spending more time with our own friends. I loved you with all my heart. I was willing to be a better person for you. But in the end this relationship fell apart because you didnâ€™t communicate with me. Doesnâ€™t this sound like something from those daytime talk shows? â€œCommunication and honesty are the key factors to a successful relationship.â€ Ironically, although it shows up on TV, it really is true in real life. And as clichÃ© as it is, itâ€™s true. Itâ€™s true Jaredth. And those were things you didnâ€™t rightfully give me.
In the end you finally took ONE action. You broke up with me. But you hurt me way more than youâ€™ll ever know. Very kind of you. How very kind.
Stop making yourself sound like the hero. Whether Jazmin would have decided to stand by my side or not, I would have dealt with it. She chose to be by my side maybe because she and I were meant to be, maybe because she didnâ€™t want to throw away a relationship weâ€™ve always longed for. Donâ€™t make it sound like itâ€™s worse than it is for you. â€œIt caused some pain.â€ You have NEVER loved her as I have. Youâ€™ve NEVER known what it was like to lose the love of your life and the only bestfriend you had. No. You have it way easier.
If youâ€™re not going to take the presents, fine. I WILL throw them awayâ€¦as harsh as that soundsâ€¦ And I will always remember that you had the nerve to give me back my heart but you wouldnâ€™t let me give you back the presents.
You are right about one thing. You fucked up pretty bad. And for this you may be the only person that will forever leave this scar on my heart. Even if I’m happy someday, which I’m a bit far from right now, that scar you made will always be there.
Go out and find a new pretty girl. Tell her you love her. Tell her that bullshit where you’ll have a house with heart shaped trees. And then tell her you “changed” even though you’re not sure how you’ve changed and break up with her.
Stop saying you’re sorry. I don’t want your pity. I don’t want anything from you anymore.
Don’t reply to this. If you reply to this I will just delete it. I’m sick of hearing the same things. That’s right, you’ve been telling me the same things. The same excuses. I bet a lot of what you said isn’t from you alone. I bet someone has been telling you what to tell me because you yourself don’t know what to say. You don’t have a real answer. You don’t know what you’re talking about.
It started out with me as a confused girl DESPERATELY searching for a reason from you. And now? I don’t need more replies from you. Because I realize that you are a little boy confused about himself, confused about what he’s saying, and confused about what he’s done. And someday if you ever do “understand” yourself, good for you. But I will not need to hear it because it will be too late.
I probably sound like an ice queen bitch, but like you said, itâ€™s not like you didnâ€™t deserve it huh?
Good bye, for real this time.
Harsh, maybe. But I said what I needed to. He’ll never have to receive another letter from me.
I spent everyday crying over him. The first month was a disaster. There wasn’t a day that went by when I did not have him on my mind. I had so many thoughts, so many questions, so much pain. Then, it got a little better. The pain didn’t suddenly disappear, but it got better.
Sometimes, I would feel like a million dollars. I would feel free and I would feel strong. But sometimes, by night time, I broke down. By then it didn’t seem alright anymore. My happiness seemed fake. The days ahead looked so bleak and hopeless. The tears would flow down my cheeks. When will this end? I would ask myself. It seemed like a never-ending cycle. At first I’d feel strong and then soon enough I would break down.
Even though the ex-boy and I were exchanging letters (slowly might I add. he seemed to like taking his time in sending me replies, even though he had enough time to post hurtful bulletins on his MySpace.), it was the last straw. He sent me another reply, but it was full of the same excuses. So I sent him the letter above. And it’ll be the last he’ll hear of me. It’ll be the last I’ll hear of him. Does it still hurt? Yes. Do I cry every night anymore? Do I ask myself every night if I’m going to make it? No.
The final test was on registration day for school. It’s funny how life is sometimes. He showed up, right after I showed up. And he stood in line, almost right behind me. As I was taking my ID picture, he somehow ended right behind me. As I turned and faced the door to walk out after I finished, I saw him again. I looked at his face. We had eye contact. It may have been a short moment, but it was all I needed. I felt nothing as I saw him. I didn’t see my sweetheart. I saw the boy that meant nothing to me. I didn’t see the affectionate guy that always smiled back at me. I saw the boy that looked at me with a blank face. I walked home. The same path he used to walk me home by every single day. I felt no pain. I was just… walking home. With a smile on my face. Hopefully no one saw me… might have been weird to see a little girl walking down an empty street with a weird smile on her face. It showed me that it would be okay… even if things get hard… I can make it.
I had written two blog entries a few months ago. They were saved as drafts because I never had the time to finish them off since I was so worried about school. I finally looked at them today. And then deleted them. The thoughts I had then now seem so far away. It seems like they were all a dream. The love I thought I was getting was never really there. “But love is blind and lovers cannot see.”
The pictures, the presents, the letters. I don’t need them. They were supposed to be a symbol of his love for me, they were supposed to remind me of him. But it never existed. It’d be nice to have a bonfire, to burn away the past, to burn away the leftover pain. But even if there wasn’t a bonfire, I will get rid of them anyway. The pictures we took, that had only the two of us, had smiles that smiled for something that longer exists. I searched for remaining pictures on my computer and I put them in a folder labed “Trash.” And I put it in the recycle bin. I was reluctant at first, but it’s okay now. Why keep them? If I ever want to remember what used to be, I can look back at this blog. This blog practically carries my whole life since 6th grade. Words and memories are all I need. I don’t need fake items to remind me of the lies given to me.
I think it was a good thing for me to have bled my heart so much during these past months. Because now the bleeding slowed down to a drip, and it may just be a scar now. I think I cried so much. I pondered about everything. I did it all so much, that there’s nothing left now. Except to heal.
I think things will be a little easier now.
Equally important are my friends. My friends have been the greatest gift this summer. Some of you gave me some words of encouragement and sympathy. Some of you spent some of the summer with me, helping me have *lots* of fun, something I didn’t experience for quite a while. Some of you let me know I was never alone. Some of you shared the same pain I had, and even as we were ready to give up we ushered each other to go on. Some people did all of these things. For each person that helped me down the road, no matter how big or small, I hope we can keep our friendship and let it bloom into something more.
Also. Now that I’ve been “in a relationship” and out of one, I can truly say I understand. I understand the difficulties of being in one. I understand the difficulties of not being in one. I understand the need to spend more time with the love of your life. I understand the feeling of being left out. I understand the feeling of losing your friend to a “lover.” It’s all so clear to me now. If you are in a relationship, it’s a big, big responsibility. You have the duty of communicating and keeping promises with your significant other, BUT you also have the duty of keeping your friends in your life and making sure you do not make them feel uncomfortable. It’s a tough thing. I think when you can balance this out and keep up with school/work, you will be one of the happiest people alive…
This is a little blend image I put together. Like they say! A picture is worth a million words. It pretty much sums up the whole situation.