This was a letter to a friend a while back. Eh, you can probably tell who it was to, but oh well. I kind of hope all of my true friends see this….
Life is really, really weird. When Jaredth and I were starting to crush on one another, most people disapproved. They didn’t like him. They wanted to protect me. Then, miracuously everyone ushered me into his arms and told me to go for it. I gave in. As I was falling deeper into the relationship those outside of it were angry. Angry at him, angry at me. They talked trash about me, and talked trash about him.
Finally, as unexpected or expected it was, we broke up. Now everyone seems to like him and wants to be his bestfriend. And I feel like I’m in the dust.
What’s wrong with this picture?
… why is this so … ugh. I don’t have a word this.
So I should be an unselfish person and just let it be right? Easy solution…yet not so easy. It kills me inside. It’s just that selfish part of me…
I’m human. It’s really hard for me to know that all of this is fine for everyone else. It’s hard to know people are fine being friends with the guy that makes me suicidal, the guy that broke all of his promises, the guy that left me lying in broken pieces when all I wanted was a friend, the guy that very easily erased me from his life, the guy that has made me feel the worst in my entire life.
And if he and I share some friends, which were originally my friends first, how am I ever going to get over him if I have to keep dealing with him?
Why did I suddenly send you this mail…? Because I suddenly thought of it. It suddenly struck me when he posted more of his bulletins. It struck me that you guys are good friends apparently, according to his bulletins.
I’m not going to ask you to “pick a side” this time. If you’d like to spare my feelings, that’s awesome. If you want to be friends with both of us, that’s fine too.
I guess what I’m saying is, if people are going to choose the second option, I’m not going to kill myself over it. I still would like to hang out with them like we usually would. Party the night away, have a hug fest, have study sessions. I would like to enjoy life and live in the moment. All I ask is that we do not get too close, do not share personal thoughts. Because it hurts. I don’t want anymore drama, and I don’t want anymore pain. I don’t know what I’ll do if I get more of this.
I care about you lots, no matter what. I’m sorry if this seems selfish. I’m just really tired. Tired of life, of everything.
Bottom line: friends with me, friends with him. That’s fine. But if you were or want to be a *good* friend of mine, it ain’t happening. Because I’m tired of being hurt and I’m tired of running into this situation over and over again…