A year ago from now, he was my motivation to live. He was my motivation to do well in school. Now, almost a year after he walked out of my life, he is still my motivation to do well in school…although the motivation sometimes is much, much less.
I don’t want to lose to him. I may have lost him, but I don’t want to lose to him. I’ve spent almost a year on my own and I need to prove to myself and maybe even to him that I can do well without him. I get discouraged when I look at my grades and my progress though, because they are not as good as I could have hoped for. Although I’m trying my best to raise my grades, for some classes I just feel like it is impossible for me to raise the grade. It’s not as bad as I’m probably making it sound and I should be somewhat proud, because I was able to raise some failing grades to a C or a B, making the majority of my grades B’s and C’s. But it feels horrible to be out of control, to be unable to do something about it. Yes, I can control it to some degree, but barely at all… If I can’t control my emotions or who to trust, I want to be able to at least trust myself and my grades… but when even that seems out of reach, it seems somewhat hopeless…
Often lately, I’ve been having those longing thoughts again. I can’t shove away the feeling that he was the one, the love of my life. I know that sounds extremely silly from a seventeen year old girl, but if anything, I know what I felt for him was unconditional love. Despite the sorrow I felt, despite any arguments, any differences, anything at all…I never stopped loving him. I guess that counts for absolutely nothing if it isn’t reciprocated, but that frustrates me even more, because I’ll always wonder why I wasn’t good enough and why he couldn’t see through my flaws when I saw through his, and why he threw away someone that would have loved him no matter what. I will never, never let go of those thoughts.
It’s definitely not a full circle to my situation in the past, where the pain was unbearable. I am definitely far from square one. I can move on and function normally, but there are scattered moments where the wondering and the pain kick in. A few moments here and there, where I let my eyes water and a few tears run, just a few.
But…perhaps even if I cannot get the “perfect” grades this year, my life will surely not end, right? There are ways around this, right? Somehow, I will find the path to my desired career, and have the knowledge and money to help out people that need it like the children in Uganda I’ve always wanted to help, or people that have been picking out money out of their pockets for me like my family. And maybe even reach my long-term goal, finding someone that I love and loves me back to spend the rest of my life with. Right?