For the first time in a long, long time I finally cried a lot about this.
It was nothing new to cry about this, but the tears never lasted too long. They would dry up quickly and I’d resume my previous task.
It started to begin in sixth period math, but I didn’t want to cry in front of anyone, so I tried my best to conceal it and make myself perfectly normal. I was really out of it…math problems that were easy before seemed really hard at the moment.
I went to math tutoring after school (heaven knows I need it), and when I walked home the sidewalks were empty. That was when I started to cry. No matter how much I tried to stop, it kept flowing out… I came home and wasn’t able to stop it even then. When my mother asked me what was wrong, I told her it was stress. I suppose that’s the truth, because I am stressed, but she thinks it’s school-work related.
I was even more upset because I kept thinking about how Friday marks one year, exactly one year, and I am still crying over someone.
There are times when you feel so good and so right, but sometimes there will be someone or something to knock you down and have you standing back at square one. Maybe not as far as square one…but pretty close to the beginning.
I think time and school slowly allowed me to forget. I think I created a barrier, a wall of strength, so I could function and continue concentrating on life. I knew junior year was the most important year of all, the year that would help determine your college. I didn’t want to lose at the game I’ve been trying to hard to win. So I did the best that I could this school year.
But today that wall of strength was cracked by someone.
In yearbook class, I happily pointed out the picture of my friend, Jessica. And someone uttered a negative response. Because I really like Jessica, I stood up for her and told him I like her. Then he told me negatively about how he heard Jessica told a certain group of friends that they were not friends to her. So that group thinks she is unreasonable and mean. And because he “trusts” that group, he will believe their word. That’s when I told him, “How can you create a judgmental opinion about Jessica when you don’t even know her? Just from what you hear about her?” He admitted, “Sure they make jokes about her and talk about her sometimes, but how about what she did?” But that’s the whole point… she was sick of their jokes and back-talking. She had a reason to say what she did. I told him angrily, “Even if someone is mean, it gives no one any right to talk behind their back.”
I told him it was true that Jessica acted mean sometimes, but that doesn’t mean anything. To prove my point I pointed out that he was a jerk sometimes too. Two of my friends in that class know very well about what I was saying. For a long time he acted like a jerk. Then he defended himself by saying he “had his reasons.” And I was like, “Exactly, Jessica does too.” Then he said, “the reason I acted like that was because ever since that time in yearbook when you acted mean towards me. Everybody says ever since the break up you got bitter and mean and were breaking people up into sides.”
That response had absolutely NOTHING to do with this. He did not act that way because of me and I did not act that way towards him because of my ex-boyfriend. There were countless days (I might even say half of the school year) where he would come to school with a dead expression on his face, a brushing-off “hi” whenever you greeted him, and a big attitude. He didn’t act like that just to me. He did it to everybody else. I saw it. Someone would say hi to him and he’d stare at the table and weakly say hi and eventually the other person would go away. He would act like that all day. There were times when he would listen to our conversations (conversations that he was not in) and would interject his own opinion and an unreasonable comment when we were not talking to him and not asking for his opinion. THAT was why I started acting like a jerk to him. Yes, it’s understandable if you have problems. No, it is not acceptable if you act out on your problems on everyone else for about half of the year because of them. We all have problems, and most of us do not treat others badly just because of them.
“That has nothing to do with this,” I told him.
“Don’t get mad,” he said pathetically.
“No, what I’m upset about is that you think HE has anything to do with this. I only act towards you the way *I* feel about you. There is no one else that influences the way I act towards you except yourself.”
We didn’t get much in after that, because the bell rang for lunch.
What upset me the most was the question that circled in my head: “Is this what people think?” He was a reminder of what people think. Those people, that group that hangs around my ex-boyfriend. They all probably think what he tells them. And I know he tells them how much of a bitter bitch I am. I knew it, but I shoved it in the back of my mind so I could function. He brought it out.
This other person who was there listening to us argue told me it had nothing to do with our argument and it was a low blow.
Those two words are so true: low blow. It really hit me. It hit me in that place where I’ve been shoving these problems to the back of my mind so that I could function this school year. Something finally brought it out and I can’t help but cry uncontrollably.
I never, NEVER broke up a group of friends and asked them all to pick sides. I NEVER did that. I asked ONE person. I believed this person was my best friend and I loved this person very much. THAT is why I asked her. I was hurting so much inside and I needed to know if she was going to stand by me or not. I even told her that I knew it was a selfish request and her choice was hers. Does anyone know that? No. Everyone thinks I asked an entire group of friends to break away from my ex-boyfriend because I’m just jealous. I asked *one* person, one person I treasured very much, because I was hurting so badly. I knew the extent of how selfish it was to ask. It’s not like I did it without thinking, without knowing.
It upsets me that people believe the worst of me. They give pathetic reasons for my actions. Isn’t it horrible how people create ugly images of you, as long as your true self is hidden? Someone always needs some gossip, someone always needs to make up a lie as long as it fills the dark hole of the unknown. It sickens me. I need to confront someone. Tell someone what has been inside of my heart, and tell them to tell all of their friends, so they could stop making up things about me in their minds. I wouldn’t hesitate to do it except for one thing: I WILL go to school with all of them again next school year, my senior year. I want to be a civil person, I don’t want to start hate clubs and invisible walls. So what do I do? Let it slide and let people believe what they do? Or stand up to them and create invisible walls for the next year?
I’m sick of high school. I’m sick of these people. I can’t wait to leave. I wish it was over already.