Today I checked and I got accepted into UCSD and UCSB.
Erika was right…these acceptances feel good but they feel less special because it feels as if everyone else is being accepted as well. I was talking to Marty and reasoned with myself that it was because my friends were smart kids too, but I’ve heard about some people being accepted and to be honest…some aren’t as smart as some of the brainiacs I know. I know, I’m not saying everyone who is accepted into college must be a brainiac (heck, I wouldn’t be accepted then huh?), but I just I kind of feel like some of the smart and harder working are being cheated out. Then again, the fact that we’re getting accepted into so many colleges is a fair and good thing if we’ve been working so hard.
Four more colleges left… UCLA, UCI, Scripps, and Pomona.
You know, I don’t even feel excited when I tell my parents about my acceptances anymore. In fact, each time I prepare myself to announce the good news, I have this tiny stirring in my heart that hopes my parents will react happily for once. It never really comes. If anything, the best response is, “Oh, that’s good.” Most of my responses are, yes, “But not into UCI? Oh no…” What’s wrong with this picture?
I think perhaps if I was less achieving, maybe my parents would be ecstatic at this point with so many acceptance letters. I think they take my intelligence and dedication for granted. I would not be accepted into anywhere, let alone all of these schools, if I did not have the drive and the potential. Instead, they brush away my acceptance letters. To them, they are not open doors or accomplishments. To them, they are merely obstacles that will deter me from going to UCI.
I thought my parents were really supportive at first. My mom and dad finally agreed to see all of the acceptance letters first before deciding on a college. That was reasonable. Then my mom even asked me for a ranking of the order of the schools I would like to go to. When I told her, she took it positively and even tried to memorize it. But deep down, maybe not even that deep because I can see right through it, they want me to go to UCI. I get tired of being asked “Did you get one from UCI?” especially after I delivered some good news NOT related to UCI.
Apparently my mother went into a relapse today and slid back into the mentality of “You’re going to UCI.” When I told her of my acceptance to UCSD and UCSB, she posed the famous UCI question again. When she tried to defend herself saying UCI was a great school that a lot of people wished to get into, I knew it was just something she pulled out of a hat. Yes, it is a great school, but why settle when I could go to an amazing school? Yes, people don’t get in, but those people didn’t work hard enough in high school. And no, not everyone wants to go to UCI because it is known as the “reject school” and the “commuter school.” Berekely and etc. rejects have UCI as a backup plan. I’m sorry to anyone who is a UCI advocate, but it’s very true in many cases.
So after I countered her lame excuses, she finally said it was close to home. Ok? What does that do for me? Yes, that is definitely a factor I will take into consideration, but to my parents it is the ONLY factor they are considering. I’m starting to think if I had applied to Harvard and gotten in, my parents would have never let me go.
This falls back to what I’ve been dealing with my entire life: they are never happy with me.
Despite my accomplishments, despite having risen above many other students, I am still average. Scholarships, college acceptance letters. Nothing is good enough. I have no potential. I should just stay home and avoid wandering away.
Please Scripps, Pomona, and UCLA. I’m counting on your acceptance letters, and equally important, your financial aid. My biggest fear is not being accepted…because then I will feel as if I didn’t work hard enough, as if I wasn’t smart or good enough. My second biggest fear is not having the money to go. The acceptance letter does a lot of good for the self-esteem, but the lack of money does nothing for my dream. It will serve merely as a letter of “what could have been.” Don’t let that happen… I feel like I could do more, even if no one else believes in me.