I know this is sad but I haven’t talked to him in four or five days and it’s killing me. Well, then again it’s different this time because we’re not on a good note right now. We’ve had email contact just to talk about some really big issues between us, but it’s not the same; even talking on instant messenger feels more personal than emails. I think that’s why emails starting falling out and instant messengers got popular… but anyway…
I feel both really uneasy and empty. Sometimes I get angry and think to myself, “How much effing time does someone need to think about something? Either he’s not thinking much at all for days at a time, or he’s a really slow thinker because this is killing me.” And then I try to forget that thought and remember that we’ve never done this before, and maybe it’s something that he needs.
The first few nights I tried to sleep early (we usually stay up late at night talking) but I couldn’t fall asleep in this heat so I ended up sleeping at the usual late hour. Now, I don’t even bother trying to sleep early because if I stay up late, at least I will wake up later in the day and not have to miss him so early in the day…I know, it’s really, really, really sad. I’m aware of it.
I’ve tried doing things to keep myself busy because I told him he could have however much time he needs to think (we’ve never actually gone this long during a “fight” without at least a phone conversation), but there’s only so much I can do inside of this house. I already started getting bored a week ago and I still have a month before school starts. Being bored leaves me nothing else but to remember how miserable I feel right now. There are four things that have been eating up my time: anime/manga (Fruits Basket, to be specific), cleaning/chores, OMGPOP, and youtube (I started a new account for reviews). That’s pretty much it, and it’s not much at all. I feel really unstimulated, isolated, and lonely. Sometimes I can’t take it and I just lie in my bed and hug my pillow, admitting to myself that I don’t know how much longer I can put up with this and if I can do this if it was ever a permanent situation.
That is pretty damn unhealthy. That, or I am madly in love and there is no turning back.
I don’t know the answer to that, and no one can answer that for me.