This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

So anyway, I barely use it, but when I did, I left it in my bag for too long and forgot about it. Yeah, you can guess that it left my plastic tupperware smelling really foul. After some researching on the good ol' net, I came up with a couple of tricks to try and combined them all. About a week later my tupperware is smelling 99.5% normal. That .5 percent is attributed to the very slight smell I can detect when I literally stick my nose all up against the tupperware for a close smell check. I think it'll go away as I continue using and washing it. If not, one more day of the "tupperware restoration regimen," as I call it, will do the trick.

1. Wash the tupperware with warm water and dish soap.
2. For stains, make a solution of baking soda and water, and scrub the tupperware with it. Rinse.
3. Add white vinegar to the container, mix with some water, seal shut, and let it soak. How long depends on how bad the tupperware is. Mine was pretty bad so I left it to soak for the weekend. The vinegar is supposed to kill the bacteria and mold. I found out that it is actually used for cleaning if using harmful chemicals is not desired.
4. Do a once-over with vinegar again and then wash with soap and water.
5. Now it should be clean, but the smell is probably still very overpowering. Crumple up newspaper pages (black and white print) and stuff it into the tupperware. Sprinkle some water over the newspaper and possibly some vanilla extract, and then seal the tupperware. It is up to you how long you'd like to do this. For smells that aren't too bad, a day or a couple is good enough. For bad smells like mine, it took a week. For even worse smells, maybe two or three weeks. You can occasionally replace the newspaper with fresh ones. The point of this is that the coal in the black and white newspapers is supposed to be very good at absorbing odors. The newspapers themselves will make your tupperware smell worse, but once you wash it out, it should fade away. Wash and rinse.
6. Sprinkle salt all over your tupperware. Cut up a lemon and rub it all over the tupperware, as if it was a sponge. The salt is supposed to go into any scratches in the tupperware (which is where odors can be trapped) and the lemon is supposed to be good at removing odors. Wash and rinse.
7. Give your tupperware a good sniff. If it still smells bad, repeat the newspaper trick until it is just about gone.
8. After washing and rinsing the tupperware again, leave it outside in the sun all day to air-dry. Wash and rinse again. Run the tupperware under cold water to let the pores close (supposedly when hot, the pores in the plastic open up and absorb orders more easily) and let it dry.

Congratulations! Your tupperware no longer smells bad

Everything seems so irrelevant, so worthless, now that my world is crashing down.

The first time I made a boy my world, it didn't go so well. When the dream ended, I cried for days, weeks, months, years. I was suicidal at first.

The second time I made a boy my world, it lasted longer than the first one, and (of course) felt real, it felt different, it felt amazing. It's always like that isn't it? That is the magic of a relationship; it creates such an amazing atmosphere and it leaves you feeling almost invincible, as if "love conquers all." We have been falling apart piece by piece for a long time but I finally decided to end it yesterday night because it has just gone too far, and I don't even know what's left of us. Will I cry for days, weeks, months, years? I can only guess that yes, I will. I did say I made him my world, didn't I? God, when I dare to think about a single memory of us, tears are automatic. They come on cue. Never miss a beat. How much did I love him? I promised him I would never have eyes for any other person in the world if he treated me right. That's a huge promise, and I realize maybe it's just too much, but honestly, that's how I feel. I was committed to having him be the only love I would ever have in my life from that point onwards if he treated me well. I never grew bored. I never wanted to look for someone better. I never turned him away even when he made mistakes or hurt me. I was happy whenever I was with him. I always wanted to make him happy. I trusted him with my mind, body, soul. That's how much I loved him.

But maybe I was the one who made a mistake. Did I give my trust to the wrong person, again?

There is a difference between now and the past, though. The first time I went through all of this, I was a little girl, who never knew what heartbreak was and only saw all of the beautiful things laid out in the future. Of course I was as heartbroken as I was, and of course I grew suicidal. It was all new, it was the only thing I knew, it was inevitable for me to break down so much after the dream came to a sudden halt. Right now, three to four years later, I feel just as heartbroken, but I don't feel suicidal like I once did. It's as if growing up a little slowly built this mechanism for me. It's like a barrier that keeps growing stronger as I grow older. I don't even know what kind of barrier it is. Yes, it's protecting me from doing anything stupid, but it's also turning me towards isolation, coldness, isolation.

What kind of note did we end on? I told him to come back to me when he stopped being so weak, when he would finally step up, when he would finally be a real man, not a coward who was selfish. He told me he would come back, but here is the truth.

I don't think he's ever coming back. To be so weak as that…is it really possible to change it all so fast? You are who you are. Yes, you can change, but change is difficult when you already have a predisposition. Yes, maybe it can happen to the most determined of people, but I don't believe that he is. He's full of words, full of promises, but never acts on them. If our dying relationship wasn't a reason enough to take initiative and save it, what makes it any different now? Maybe he'll try now that we are seriously over forever if we leave everything the way it is right now? So many doubts…can that even happen? What IF that DID happen? It took all of this to shape up? It took crushing my spirit until I didn't want to continue our relationship anymore? Is it possible for love to even lie behind all of that?

When I turn these thoughts over in my head, I come to the very high possibility that this is it. This could be the end of us forever. When I first deluded myself by thinking I would have him back someday and everything would be okay, it didn't feel so devastating. Then when I stopped trying to hide behind that delusion, I realized this could be the end of everything we ever had and ever will have. And it stings like nothing else in this world. This could be the end. At that point I'm in tears again. Hard, pitiful, choking sobs.

And then I ask, why?

Hell, I am miserable. I don't even feel like going to the university I have already paid $39,000 for. It all feels worthless because to be honest with you, I don't care what I end up doing if I can spend my life with the one I love. That's all I ask for. But that's so damn abstract, it's not concrete enough, it's never guaranteed. I can work hard for it, I can devote my life to someone, but doesn't guarantee anything. That doesn't guarantee they'll do the same for me. That doesn't guarantee they will reciprocate the same amount and intensity of love and devotion. The only concrete thing in my life is this formula: be successful in school + search for work experience = get a career to keep economically stable during these hard times. Education = career. Work = Money. That is all that is guaranteed. I hate it.

I'd rather hear something really bad right now rather than sit around all week in agony without a single clue.

I'm going crazy. And I hate it. I hate it all.

This prolonged sadness is starting to become sadness AND anger.

What else will it turn into? Do I have to wait to see that too? Do I have to wait even more? I want to be a good person and continue believing "you can have all the time you need" but what that really means is "I'll give you all the time you need because I love you, but I hate this more than you can imagine and I'm going ****ing crazy and I'm losing my sanity and I don't want to deal with this anymore so will you ****ing hurry it up or else when you finally do talk to me I'm not going to be the same person."

Can someone turn off the "tears" button and the "emotions" button while they're at it? I don't want it, I don't want it.

I. Am. Losing. It.

I feel both really uneasy and empty. Sometimes I get angry and think to myself, "How much effing time does someone need to think about something? Either he's not thinking much at all for days at a time, or he's a really slow thinker because this is killing me." And then I try to forget that thought and remember that we've never done this before, and maybe it's something that he needs.

The first few nights I tried to sleep early (we usually stay up late at night talking) but I couldn't fall asleep in this heat so I ended up sleeping at the usual late hour. Now, I don't even bother trying to sleep early because if I stay up late, at least I will wake up later in the day and not have to miss him so early in the day…I know, it's really, really, really sad. I'm aware of it.

I've tried doing things to keep myself busy because I told him he could have however much time he needs to think (we've never actually gone this long during a "fight" without at least a phone conversation), but there's only so much I can do inside of this house. I already started getting bored a week ago and I still have a month before school starts. Being bored leaves me nothing else but to remember how miserable I feel right now. There are four things that have been eating up my time: anime/manga (Fruits Basket, to be specific), cleaning/chores, OMGPOP, and youtube (I started a new account for reviews). That's pretty much it, and it's not much at all. I feel really unstimulated, isolated, and lonely. Sometimes I can't take it and I just lie in my bed and hug my pillow, admitting to myself that I don't know how much longer I can put up with this and if I can do this if it was ever a permanent situation.

That is pretty damn unhealthy. That, or I am madly in love and there is no turning back.

I don't know the answer to that, and no one can answer that for me.

I'm guilty of doing that. A lot. However, I have a confession. With the people I love, I can never seem to perfectly pull their images inside of my head. I can see them vaguely, but it's not clear at all, and it doesn't feel complete. I used to be ashamed of it, and I can't say that I'm not anymore, but I think I've come upon a theory as to why this happens to me.

In psychology and biology, I learned that the brain does not actually see everything because it is too hard to concentrate on everything at once and there may be obstacles blocking its proper view of something. The brain fills in those gaps for us, so we feel like we have a better view of the world. That is why it feels like you are taking in everything and you can see something even if it's a girl behind a window. Let's say if you were to step back and take a look at all of the bookshelves at the library, it feels like you're seeing all of the books on the shelf, but that's not possible to see every detail and it is the work of the brain to fill in the gaps of missing information so that you can evaluate your environment better. Or if you were looking at a girl behind a window, she is a whole girl inside your head, and you know that's not just a decapitated girl peeking at you through the window. (Here's a short little article about the brain filling in gaps)

Anyway, after that lovely science lesson, I kind of feel like that explains this weird problem of mine.

No matter how well I know a person and how much I study every single detail, for some reason my brain just can't see everything at once, so it proceeds to fill it in for me when I think about a person and see their image inside of my mind. And when I am recalling memories, it is actually recalling a lot of filled in gaps, which is why I feel like the image is not so clear. Maybe this is the same thing that happens to other people too, except they can't truly see the results of the filled in gaps (thus making them claim that they can see a face clearly in their heads). But I can (thus making me claim that I cannot see a face clearly in my head).

Of course, now that makes me sound like an anomaly… I have no idea if this is only me, if it's other people too, if someone's thought about this before, if this is scientifically proven, etc. etc. but I just thought I'd confess and document it in my blog. It's been bothering me for many years.

Also, I forgot to mention why this only happens when I think about "loved ones." I think it's because the people I love are obviously important to me, and I would like to remember every single detail and see them with precision. I care about them that much. However, with people less intimate such as mere acquaintances, I obviously will not even care enough to try to remember what they looked like and every single detail about their faces.

So when and if I ever tell someone I can't see them clearly inside my head, that's actually a loving compliment. Weird, I know.

Well anyway, I'm still thankful I got a new car to drive. The steering wheel is really light and the car is small enough for me to feel safer and in control (well, as in control as I'm gonna feel…which isn't much… for now :P).

On another note, I've gotten into one of my random obsessions: bento boxes. I really, REALLY wanted one badly to bring to school for lunch. I found a really nice one for an affordable price, since it's in the USA I don't have to pay millions for shipping. However, I've decided to buy a more practical lunch bag for now from The Container Store. Maybe when I have some money of my own I'll buy that super cute bento box set. Hopefully it'll still be available! The lunch bag (or tote, really) is pretty nice and practical, so I'm still excited to have that. It makes packing lunch a little more desirable. I'm sure if I have a bento box someday, packing lunch will be even more fun :P

You would think people would get over that stupid saying by college, but I still see it. Unbelievable. Granted, I don't see it much with the university students at school, but I still hear it occasionally and I still see it a lot on FaceBook, in the online world, etc. It just bugs me that grown people who are supposed to be more "mature" and "well-educated" are still being ignorant.

It's such a put-down phrase…whoever thought of it must have been against homosexuals. Now kids, teens, adults(?) use it freely without a second thought. I wish people would think about it before they say it and realize, "Oh, wait…why am I even saying that?" The word "gay" has three specific dictionary meanings. One is the adjective for homosexual, and one is the noun for a homosexual man. The third meaning is the almost obsolete adjective of being "cheerful" or "carefree." It is NOT supposed to mean anything negative, but somehow it's used that way by kids even as young as 10 years old.

Here is a little history from my MacBook's dictionary:

Gay meaning ‘homosexual,’ dating back to the 1930s (if not earlier), became established in the 1960s as the term preferred by homosexual men to describe themselves. It is now the standard accepted term throughout the English-speaking world. As a result, the centuries-old other senses of gay meaning either ‘carefree’ or ‘bright and showy,’ once common in speech and literature, are much less frequent. The word gay cannot be readily used unselfconsciously today in these older senses without sounding old-fashioned or arousing a sense of double entendre, despite concerted attempts by some to keep them alive.

That is sooo true. Wow. The original meaning of the word has died. It makes me wonder if it died simply because it's too difficult using the word and having to discern from a homosexual man or a happy man, or if it's just because people are put off by the homosexual use of the word "gay" and no longer want to associate it with the positive word it once was. I'm sure it's both, but possibly more of the latter. I mean, come on, we even have our little elementary kids being brainwashed to think "gay" is a bad word.

2 (or 1) slice(s) of bread
1 cheese slice
1 jar of peanut butter

Toast the bread if you like, stick cheese on it, microwave it less than 15 seconds to melt the cheese, and smack on peanut butter.

I tried it because I saw some recipes online for grilled peanut butter and cheese sandwiches… I thought it was bizarre, but being bizarre myself, I wasn't afraid to try it.

How it tastes: I thought it was okay. I'd rather eat a plain cheese sandwich or a pb&j sandwich. However, the pb&cheese doesn't taste bad. The peanut butter is very overpowering so you can't taste much of the cheese, but the cheese makes it taste a little saltier and less sticky so you don't feel like you're eating just peanut butter that'll get stuck to the roof of your mouth. I'd say this is good for someone who likes just plain peanut butter 'wiches but doesn't like getting the peanut butter stuck in his/her mouth.