Category : Relationships

6 posts

I ended up going through my entire box of sentimental letters and cards. I’ve found all of the ones from Mart and was able to re-read, let go, and throw away most of them. I have a handful of cards left that were really special to me, so I want to take the time to acknowledge them and preserve these memories before I physically throw away the cards.

I have a card from before we started dating. It brings a smile to my face to think about how innocent it started out. Who knew that we’d be together soon after and last almost a decade later.

First of all I want to say happy birthday, you’re almost a grown-up now! Sighs…..flies by so fast. I just hope you enjoy the day of your birth because it’s a special day to celebrate. It’s the day you came to us and made us smile :)

P.S. Since this is a holidays card, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year ^_^

Your friend,

Mart

I remember how it felt to be infatuated. Those beginning stage butterflies. Being friends but wishing we were more than friends.

On some late nights, I always reflect on my life and thought about you. I kept asking questions like what’s so special about Kimmy? What is it about this girl that I care so much about. And the answer came to me. I care about you because I want to be there for you. In times of trouble and happiness I want you beside me. You bring a smile to my face and for that I’m grateful. You’re special because you’re strong. Things don’t always go the way you want them to but you always keep your head high. You have the strength and courage I will never have.

In the past I was always told to never take things for granted and that’s what I’m doing now. I want you to know how much you mean to me because I might never have the chance again. This might sound dramatic but you have no idea how much of a difference you’ve made in my life. I only hope that when I wake up to see another day, I’ll have you to kiss, to hug, to feel, and to care for.

This letter seemed kinda long but it’s not nearly enough to describe how special you are to me. You’ll always have a place in my heart.

This card really touched me because it was both really sweet and really bittersweet. I’m so touched that he spent late nights thinking about why he liked me and what he found special about me. I’m honored to have been thought of so highly by someone else. It’s a bit bittersweet for various reasons…a little bit of his low self-esteem is peeking through (“you have the strength and courage I will never have”). Over the years, it was a pretty vicious cycle of me being taken granted for and him telling me he would make it right. Looking back, I know he tried his best, but I also know now that it wasn’t enough. It was just in his personality to be like that and it grew into something toxic for the both of us. I knew it deep down, but I loved him enough to overlook it and accept it for many years, even if it hurt me.

One of the cards has a moon and some stars on it. Before we had gotten together, I had written a poem about Mart, referring to him as my moon. Eventually he started referring to me as his star, his moon star. So, the symbol of a moon and star together was very cute and meaningful to us. He drew a little doodle on the inside of the card. I honestly have no memory of it (it must have been from so many years ago) so when I opened up this particular card, it made me smile.

A card from 06/12/12 for my college graduation from UCI:

One chapter ends, another begins. This is another chapter in our lives and I could not be more happy than to spend it with the person I love the most, you! My Kimmypie, my moon sweetheart and morning star! I’m so lucky to have spent high school and college with you, and even though it wasn’t easy, we persevered through our love for one another. Thank you for having me in your life :P Haha, I always say that because you have no idea how lucky I am to find you. You mean so much to me baby and no matter what tough challenges await us, I will always love you with all my heart.

Here’s to many more mojitos, sangrias and cocktails with you Kimmy! Congrats again!!! Whoo!!!

Over time he would start making hand-made cards for me instead of buying cards. It’s funny to see the progression from impersonal holiday cards to hand-picked fancy cards to hand-made cards. The creativity and time put into the hand-made cards was so impressive. He basically developed scrap-booking skills haha. After all these years, I still really appreciate all of them. God, to think of him sitting in his room late at night, cutting little fancy stationary pieces of paper, arranging them, and super-gluing them. It brings tears to my eyes. We did a lot of things for each other, to show our love and affection.

I’m so grateful we got to experience the journey from adolescence to adulthood, high school to post-college together.

A card from 02/14/14, our 7 year anniversary:

Happy anniversary baby! Seven years of wonderful and unforgettable memories. Thank you for being a part of my life and filling the void of my otherwise lonely and sad existence. Dramatic right? :P But seriously, you have brought me so much happiness that I can’t express it enough how lucky and thankful I am.

But this year was a difficult one, and we’ve had to face a lot of challenges. We had to deal with being physically separated for the longest time since we’ve been together and struggle through fights that threatened our relationship. Most of all, I’m disappointed in myself for the lack of effort I put into our relationship and I know I can do better. I want to make this next year a great one and provide you with the happiness and love you deserve. Now that we’re out of college, our relationship is entering a new but scary and exciting phase but I know our love is strong enough to survive through whatever tough challenges we’ll face next. Here’s to a new year baby, I love you with all my heart, mind and body, my Kimmy boo.

I remember that year where he went to the Philippines with his family for an entire month. It was the first time we had ever been away from each other for that long. I literally saw him every week, sometimes every day. I remember at the time, the thought of not seeing him brought such extreme fear in me. I completely broke down and cried the day he dropped by my house to say good bye before his vacation to the Philippines. That month away from each other brought such turmoil to our lives. It tested us physically and mentally and emotionally, and it was also the first time my sexual orientation (I’m bi) almost tore us apart.

That card was another bittersweet reminder. I’m so happy and honored to have brought much joy into his life, but it’s also bittersweet to get another small glimpse of his low self-esteem. It wasn’t healthy for me to be the only source of joy in his life. It was another bittersweet reminder of how often over the years I’d be taken for granted, or he would lack the effort in our relationship. It wasn’t necessarily empty promises year after year, but it was definitely a vicious cycle and in the end, unfulfilled words.

When I was still a teenager and I had gone through a break-up with my first boyfriend, I remember how angry I was at his past declarations of love, including all the cards and letters. They felt so fake, they felt like lies.

Now as an adult, this break-up with Mart was only my second break-up ever (since Mart is the second person I had ever been with; from age 16 to 26), things are so different. I look back and find the past declarations of love so very real and very full of meaning. I know he absolutely meant them at the time, and I know exactly how much love we had for each other. I can’t lie and say I’m not still heart-broken, but I can definitely say I’m grateful it all happened and I can tearfully & wholeheartedly say I had never loved anyone like that before. Although I might regret how long I turned a blind eye to certain things and let them drag on, I don’t regret that our relationship happened and the many years of wonderful memories we created together.

Hello, again. It’s been a long time. My life in a nutshell since graduating in May of this year:

  • I went on an amazing trip to Asia in June (2 weeks in Japan and 1 week in Vietnam).
  • I studied my ass off to retake (for the 4th time) my national board exam in August.
  • I had to wait anxiously for 2 months for my score to be released.
  • I reconnected with a lot of good friends.
  • I continued a lot of online dating.
  • I started talking to a really amazing guy (now boyfriend) in June and things just drastically turned around for me. I’m no longer a serial dater with a high level of detachment.
  • I started going to therapy to deal with my lingering emotional turmoils & past trauma.
  • I found out I finally PASSED the national board exam!
  • I studied for the last and final exam required for my license: the state law exam – and PASSED!

So now I am playing the waiting game to have my license processed before I can officially start working. Yes, it’s been almost half a year since graduation and although I had a lot of obstacles delaying everything, I’m finally at the end of the tunnel. At this point in my life, I’m hoping to tie up loose ends and do things I need to do while I still have a ridiculous amount of free time.

I decided to create a series called Beyond the Breakup. I don’t think I will post all of the Parts as public. But, I think I feel comfortable posting this as the beginning, Part 1. I thought it might be time to pick a little bit at the old scabs and slowly dive into memorabilia from Mart so that I can slowly let them go & throw them away. I’m doing excellent these days, compared to how miserable I was two years ago. I’m going to keep working on being the best version of myself, continue healing myself, and continue tying up all the loose ends dangling.

One year Mart gave me a lovely red leather box that has a clear window on the lid. He decorated it with stars in the shape of “20” for my 20th birthday. This was in 2009. I had forgotten that inside the clear window was actually a little card-stock with a birthday letter written on it for me.

It reads:

Dear Kimmy,

Today is a very special day, the day you [were] born and the day a star came to life. Yes, Kimmy, you are that star, MY morning star. And for twenty years, you shone bright and brightened up my life. Ever since I met you, my world became a happier place and I’m able to experience so many new things with you. Thank you so much Kimmy. Words can’t describe how much you mean to me and how much I love you. I’m so grateful for this day and I hope I can make it special for you Kimmy.

This was a little over two years into our relationship. It was a special time. That must have been when I had gone into my second year of college.

I’m crying just a little bit, but nothing like the soul-crushing sobs I used to have. Of course I feel emotional. A tiny bit is from feeling the nostalgia and the lingering sadness of how things didn’t last forever.

But, I also feel a bit happy and I’m loving this feeling. I really like this letter. It was such a simple birthday letter from him and as I’m reading it 9 years later, I think I can still really feel the pure love and meaning he had intended behind those words. The whole concept behind it is beautiful. If I was never born, if I never met him, if I never made the moves (heck yeah, always a go-getter) on him, I never would have been able to impact his life positively. Up until that point in his life, he had never felt true happiness and love before. And he was able to make me the happiest I had been in that point of my life as well. How special and amazing that is. Not everyone is able to say they were able to share almost a decade of their youth (16 to 26) with someone. Although it didn’t last forever, we struggled and triumphed and experienced so many different stages of life together. Although it didn’t last forever, at least we had each other at the time. That is truly amazing.

It’s my last night in my lonesome apartment in Lemoore and I’m feeling a little overwhelmed with emotions.

It was lonely at first living in my first apartment alone, in a town where I knew absolutely nobody and I was 300 miles away from friends and family. It was nice being able to have everything reachable in my apartment within a few footsteps since it was just me in a 1 bedroom! I would take a shower, and walk around in my apartment naked while brushing my teeth and preparing breakfast. LOL.

Yesterday I said good bye to Cliff. I honestly didn’t expect to feel such overwhelming sadness, but I started crying when he was trying to say good bye to me, and I just broke down after he left. I don’t think I ever fell in love with him, but I definitely cared about him a lot. I had always known from the beginning it was just for a short-term connection and we’d go our separate ways in a few short months. I thought I’d be completely fine but when the end came, I was overwhelmingly sad. He’s not very good at communicating and he’s got his life here while I’ve got my life in Orange County and we are both pretty set on that, so I don’t think I’ll be talking to or seeing him ever again. But, I am grateful for the memories we shared here and grateful for what we had, making my experience in Lemoore a new, warm, and temporary home for me at the time.

I also felt sad about it being my last day working at the naval air force base, at the hospital. The attending doctors, the staff, the patients, the corpsmen, the technicans – I loved them all and will miss them a lot. It was the best externship/rotation I had out of all the locations I had been to over the last year of optometry school.

I felt sad reflecting on Part 1 of my boards exam; I didn’t pass. It’s going to hold me back almost half a year since I have to study and wait to retake the exam before I can work as a doctor. I’ve come this far, I know I can do it, and I can’t let go of my dreams now.

I felt sad reflecting about my past love and longstanding, intense sorrow for Mart. I’ve wanted to reach out to him again for half a year now. I let myself wait on it so that I could focus on what had to be done. I thought about reaching out to him once I neared graduation, but now after finding out I still need to tackle my boards exam again, I don’t think it’s the right time to let myself get caught up in the spiral of depression again. It’s a very sad thing when he was the light of my life and was the very thing that kept me going during grad school, and things made such a dark turn that I’ve battled against so much afterwards and will soon walk at graduation without him there.

This is just another beginning for me. There is so much more hardship to come, so much more I need to do. And hopefully I can find some happiness someday, too. For now, I’ll finish packing up what’s left in my nearly empty apartment, and move back home to continue the journey forward.

I’ve been struggling with my breakup for over a year now.

When it first happened, it was right before the holidays (Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas). It was a world of pain, but then I fell numb. I magically didn’t feel the pain that I thought would last a lifetime. One year later – same time, same place (I’m back home from Arizona for winter break) – I can feel everything. All the heartache, all the nostalgia, all the emotions. Everything. I was definitely in my numb stage of denial last year.

One of the things I learned was that people constantly come and go within your lifetime. There are special people who become apart of your life and will disappear from it at one point or another. I no longer felt bitter about friendships that unnecessarily faded away. I grew to wholeheartedly accept that concept sometime in my mid-twenties, but it was extremely difficult for me when I finally also had to apply that to my 9 year (four months away from 10 year) relationship.

This was someone I had grown up with. We raised each other up from our awkward high school days, our blossoming college days, and our adulthood post-grad. We had countless obstacles that were meant to tear us apart, but time and time again, we chose each other and fought to stay together. We developed a friendship and a love that still left butterflies in my stomach as if we were on our first date. I gave him a decade’s worth of patience, nurturing, and love.

This past year was a lot of up and downs for us. We gravitated back to each other and tried to make it work. In September, we talked about very heavy and important topics. He told me he needed time to think before giving me an appropriate response. A month passed by, and I received nothing. I had to leave to Arizona for my externship and he knew that. So, I reached out to him, desperately searching for an answer. My message was received in silence. I tried, again, and again. Three months of desperately searching for answer, for closure, and I could only receive silence.

This year was the first year I did not spend my birthday with him, and the second year I did not spend Christmas with him. I spent Christmas crying, thinking about everything that I had loved and missed. Late at night, I see a Christmas photo of him, a cute couple photo, with a girl who looks very familiar to me, and this answers all of my questions.

It’s one of those photos that you wish you didn’t see but are also grateful you did. It let me know that he is not worth my time even though I will spend a long time in heartache. It is much harder getting over someone you love and saw so much potential in. It’s easier – or so I hope – getting over someone you realize was heartless and had no courage to be upfront with you.

I felt this type of heartbreak when I was 16. At 28 I am a fully-grown woman and I still feel like a child sobbing in bed. Some things change, and some things don’t. Merry Christmas…

I’ve always liked Valentine’s Day even when I was single because I would get excited over making cards and giving out candy to my friends. So you can imagine I like to make my boo feel special on Valentine’s Day. Better yet, V-Day is our anniversary, haha. This year it was our 6 year anniversary. It has not been as easy as a slice of pie for us all of this time, but maybe that makes it all even better. Anyway, we enjoy sharing our anniversary celebration with all the other couples out there for V-Day, so it’s not a problem for us. ^_^

My gifts for him

Although I did draw and color the Jake & Lady Rainicorn (from Adventure Time) picture myself, I don’t take credit for the idea of the picture itself. My boyfriend and I love Adventure Time. It is the best cartoon ever! It is intended for kids but there is so much quirkiness, hilarious innuendos, and wonderful story telling that I can proudly say it’s one of my favorite shows. Anyway, since we love the show and made it a pasttime to watch the show together, I thought it’d be cute to make a Jake plushie and a handmade Adventure Time Valentine card. It really brought memories back making that childish Valentine card. The old days of making handemade cards for your classmates and the strong scent of crayons. I remember him wanting a dog tag necklace before, so I decided to get him one. Get it? Jake the dog. And a dog tag necklace? Geeeet it? :p A personalized owl card, some freshly baked brownies, and a wrist strap for his iPod Nano to top it all off.

His presents for me :)

The dinner we had

If you notice, most of my gifts are food-related, LOL. He knows me best and knows I like to eat good food. He said his theme was “strawberries,” hence the choco-covered strawberries he made himself, the amazing strawberry cream croissants, and the cute card he made for me. That silly guy decided to make chocolate strawberries the night before and then the morning of Valentine’s Day he drove to get the croissants – all during the rush before an assignment he still had to work on that was due that day. Ha ha, he’s so funny. At least he managed it all in the end. 8-) He also got us matching throw blankets at my request (he was panicking about not having any ideas so I just told him :p ) – they are the softest, most comfortable throw blankets I’ve ever had! They are just the thing on late study nights or movie nights. And then he took us out to dinner. We chose a pretty awesome restaurant and in the pictures you can see how much we indulged. :p

As you can see, we try really hard to make it spectacular for the other. :p We really enjoyed ourselves. 6 years is a long time, considering that means we’ve been together since we were still teenagers (I was 17) and are now in our early twenties. But in a way, it doesn’t feel that long at all. Life flashes by before your eyes. We just have to do our best to enjoy it, and try our best to work things out.

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