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Almost half a year ago, I made the most difficult decision in my life and ended our 9 year and 8 month relationship in order to save so many things that were on the line. I lost my best friend and the person I loved most. I faced my biggest fear of losing you because I wanted to save you from your own passivity, insecurity, complacency, reliance, indifference, and lack of drive. I knew that, as your most trusted partner, if I couldn’t have helped you despite how hard I tried all of these years, that wasn’t something I could personally do for you no matter how much I wanted to. I valued communication the most, and that was something that couldn’t be reciprocated on your end. I wasn’t getting back all that I was putting into us.

I knew that if you truly loved me, that you would find your way back to me.

Now…somehow, I feel like you’ve either lost your way back to me, or you’ve purposefully chosen to take a different path, one that will never cross with mine ever again.

How can you stop loving someone so soon after all the time and memories we had together and all we went through together? Love is not something you put on hold. A relationship can be put on hold, but the feeling of love itself? I thought I stopped loving you at one point in the half year we broke up, but that was my own defense mechanism to stay functional.

If you have any true affection left towards me, I think it’s time to be honest and realize that you are leading me on. I was skeptical about starting to talk and spend more time together, but you made the initiative for us to do it. When I was ready to let myself heal and forget about the pain all of this has caused me, you held on tight and didn’t want us to become strangers. Why? The long drives together in the car, the late night walk at the beach, the kiss you gave me on the front step of my house, those stupid shirtless photos you sent me, the romantic dates we went on that people normally don’t do with regular friends. And yet, when I finally reciprocated the kiss you gave me, you described it with “a little uncomfortable,” that it couldn’t be reciprocated, and that you like where we are now. I get that you like “where we are now,” but where exactly are we now? Friends don’t do all that. Can I venture out to say that maybe you’re the one who is confused or in denial? Or maybe in denial that although you like where we are now, you like your own life now and you enjoy the little moments we have together, but you don’t want me mixed back into it?

I don’t think that’s fair for me to be pushed aside and to be pushed into the fray of feelings all over again. I have to say that I feel like I’m back at square one and I feel as hurt as I did many months ago.

Sometimes goodbye is easier than hello.

I randomly clicked on a page of my blog (out of nearly 200 pages of snippets) and stumbled upon an entry in 2007, written ten years ago. How ironic that the feelings I had then kind of ring true today. Nowadays I seem to have lost my words and express myself in other shitty ways, but back then I expressed myself through text because I felt like there was nobody to listen or understand.

But there are so many times, so many I couldn’t begin to tell you, where I sank deep into myself and peered out at everyone, and everyone looked like a stranger to me.

There are times now when I don’t know how I’m feeling, but somehow teenage me ten years ago was able to¬†perfectly describe how I feel today.

It discourages me, but I hope sometime before I die, I can truly be happy.

But anyways, I’m sure I’ll reach happiness (probably). Death is unpredictable, but for the most part a person’s life span is relatively long. I’ve got maybe like 50 years left on me, give or take a decade. That is a long ass time. (Unless of course, I get struck by lightning, which is nearly 1 in a million chance…and then of those people that get struck, only 10% actually die. Although, chances of being in a car accident and dying is only like 1 in 13,000 where I live. Okay, let’s just forget about that.)

I didn’t spend ten years being miserable. I found happiness in between. Acres and acres of rolling hills, up and down, up and down. Large patches of dry, brittle grass, but also large stretches of rich, green grass. It’s just a part of the process, isn’t it?

Huh. Mega coincidence that I ran into this old blog entry. Interesting. Cue the curtains to close and take away my soapbox. Carry on.

One Year

My sink has been bothering me for a while now, since it drains water super slowly. I’ve heard of the magical cleaning properties of vinegar and baking soda, so I decided to look that shizzle up! So simple. And no need to handle toxic chemicals. I like it!

  1. Pour some boiled water down the drain.
  2. Pour baking soda as best as you can down the drain. Let it sit for a few minutes.
  3. Mix some hot water and white vinegar together and slowly dump that down the drain.
  4. Let it sit for about 10 minutes. Hear that fun sizzling!
  5. Flush your drain with some boiled water again.

For exact measurements, check out this post from Crunchy Betty.

No more gloop clogging up my drain. 8-)

Hello~ I decided to change up the colors a little bit and the banner after what, a few years? I also cleaned up the links in the sidebar and fixed up a few pages. Now that I’m finally on my summer break I thought this place needed a little cleanup. That’s as far as I’ll go in terms of changes, lol. I use this website mainly as a written platform rather than overly concerning myself with coding/graphics. Unfortunately I stopped learning & being interested in that many years ago after life started getting really busy, but I’ll never end my love of blogging. If anyone knows of any free and great WordPress theme websites, please point them my way for future reference :)

It’s been over a week since I ended spring quarter, so I’ve been enjoying my summer break. It will be my last summer before optometry school will continue for 3 more years straight, so I’m trying to make the most of it. This last week I celebrated by having all-you-can-eat sushi (my favorite!), SLEEPING IN, cleaning out my room, organizing my files & backing them up, catching up on shows and movies, reading books, hanging out with friends & eating great food, and playing video games.

If you’ve ever visited my collections page, you’ll notice all of the stuffed animals I have. Not pictured are the toys from my childhood as well. I had SO many. I’m kind of a hoarder in that sense…I had a really hard time giving any of my old sentimental toys and cute stuffed animals away. Everything that had a sentimental value or had a good memory attached to it was kept on display or in one of many clear, plastic tubs for storage. I figured I would never give them away, ever, so that I could keep them forever and look at them again. Recently, I’ve had a change of heart. I decided that I really never look at them since I have so many and many are stored away. It was time that I freed up all that space in my room (my room is very large but doesn’t have much space due to all of my toys!) and as a grown woman, these toys were probably better off donated to others. You should have seen the mess in my room for the few days as I sorted through them all! Now my room is much more spacious and I’m looking to buy a dresser & a loveseat couch. I’ve been trying to go the used route and ideally find a microfiber or leather couch for cheap. I’ve found one that seems very promising, so we’ll see how that turns out.

Oh! I also dyed my hair since this is my last summer and I won’t be able to have colored hair during the school year (since it’s not “professional”). I finally made myself learn how to french braid my own hair too! This was my second attempt and I’m pleased to say it was pretty good! (I won’t lie about how my arms were getting tired from learning how to do it though lol)

Dyed Hair

I’m hoping I’ll be blogging much more regularly now that I’m free! *love*

Sometimes I think I’ve made a really good connection with a friend, but time and life get in the way. For most of my life up until maybe a few years ago, I used to be one of those people who would say, “We should keep in touch; let’s meet up soon,” even though I fully knew that we probably would not keep in touch. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to. I was just a pessimist at heart and also didn’t want to get my hopes up. Nowadays I pride myself in the real effort I put into keeping in touch with people I care about. I hated it when people flaked on me or when people say “let’s meet up” even though they didn’t really mean it – so I should give it my all to NOT be that person.

Sadly, just because I’m willing to give it my all in order to avoid being “that” person, it doesn’t prevent other people from being like that. But I realize that it’s okay. I’ve tried my best and the rest falls on the other person since it’s a two-way street. Although sad, if the other person just wasn’t able to put enough effort into it, that’s just how things are and it’s a sign of how high on the priority list you are to them. It doesn’t mean that you should give up just yet, because everyone deserves other opportunities to try again. When it happens for long enough that it fades away, however, it’s probably okay to let go. How long is “too long” really depends on yourself and the strength of your relationship.

The last few vacations from school (namely, Thanksgiving break and winter break) triggered me to think about all of this. Grad school is incredibly time consuming and it really leaves me available only one evening out of the whole week – zero nights if exam time is too overwhelming. As you would imagine, that makes it really difficult to see anyone besides my classmates, my boyfriend, and my family. When vacation came rolling along, I made sure to make plans with the people I wanted to keep in touch with and well in advance, even if it meant a video chat or a phone call. That left me with a fully occupied vacation and kind of shed light on the special people that made an effort to do the same for me. It also shed light on the people that are still special to me, but disappointingly didn’t put in enough effort to make it work.

I’ve kept a really special connection with a friend whom I would never have expected to have one with – we were no more than acquaintances in the last year of high school. I’ve kept connections with some of my really good friends and it’s amazing how hard we work to keep in touch. At the same time, I’ve also lost connection with some people. My efforts for a phone call or a message even seemed out of reach. Despite their (plural, since I’m referring to more than one friend) planned visit home for a couple of weeks, they managed to hit me up last minute to let me know they were actually in town and failed to make it happen. Maybe if I were more free it would have been easy to work out, but that’s not the case and that’s why I’m disappointed they decided to contact me as an afterthought. I get to see them perhaps once a year or less nowadays, but the one time they come home to visit, I was a last minute kind of thought. I’m grateful to have been in their thoughts at all at least, but let me remind you these are people I thought I had a really special connection with. And as disappointing as that is, it’s just how life is. You get to witness the people who surprise you with their love and dedication, and you get to witness the people who disappoint you with the lack of effort.

As I get older and we are all becoming occupied with work, school, and careers, I realize how important it is to 1) plan things majorly in advance for it work out and 2) keep the people you care about somewhere in the edges of your mind (for lack of better wording right now) so that you don’t lose sight of them. It’s really easy to lose sight of someone and let go if you don’t do that.