Category : Uncategorized

64 posts

We’ve been hitting the road around 7am to get to clinic early and get prepared for the day. Today was the first time we saw such a pretty sunrise. The sunrises here seem to be a bit of orange and purple. Never seen purple with a sunrise back at home in California.

Sunrise – Orange-y

Sunrise – Purpley

I totally got a kids meal at a popular fast food chain in Arizona called Eegee’s. I had no idea it would come in a bucket. Aren’t the characters adorable?! ^_^

Kids Meal

After getting dinner with a classmate and my roommate, I went to a cafe to study a little bit. It was a great environment for studying, besides the dim lighting. Lots of people drinking their coffees and chatting quietly or people getting work done. I’m hoping to go back again. It’s a nice environment change from studying (and falling asleep) at home.

Our attending doctor was sick today so we ended up not seeing any of our patients. We had to cancel their appointments and expect to be double-booked in the following days to come. T_T We used nearly 4 hrs this morning to get prepared for the rest of the week, looking up patient information. We also got caught up in tracking all of the patients we’ve encountered so far (our program requires logging in all patient encounters and requires at least 1000 of them before graduation).

After that, we got to go home early, which was very nice. I relaxed at home, took a nap (since I had a terrible sleep last night), and did a bit of studying. I had a terrible sleep last night. My roommate burnt some toast, leaving the apartment a little smokey, so my other roommate opened the patio door to air out the apartment. Well, a lovely little friend (aka horrible flying bug) came into the house. With my luck, I guess he went into my room. When I was falling asleep for the night, I heard a very loud BUUUUUZZ near my ears!!! It happened multiple times last night and kept startling me. T_T And around 3am my neighbor upstairs was stomping around!!! UGH.

To put a cute little cherry on top, I woke up this morning to three very itchy bug bites on my hands and arms.

Bleh.

Today one of my patients told me I was absolutely gorgeous. He was 70-something years old, so I found it very endearing. It wasn’t creepy, there weren’t any ulterior motives. It was just a nice remark from a sweet old man. Sometimes we all need that little pick-me-up. Keep living, keep going, keep being fabulous.

Almost half a year ago, I made the most difficult decision in my life and ended our 9 year and 8 month relationship in order to save so many things that were on the line. I lost my best friend and the person I loved most. I faced my biggest fear of losing you because I wanted to save you from your own passivity, insecurity, complacency, reliance, indifference, and lack of drive. I knew that, as your most trusted partner, if I couldn’t have helped you despite how hard I tried all of these years, that wasn’t something I could personally do for you no matter how much I wanted to. I valued communication the most, and that was something that couldn’t be reciprocated on your end. I wasn’t getting back all that I was putting into us.

I knew that if you truly loved me, that you would find your way back to me.

Now…somehow, I feel like you’ve either lost your way back to me, or you’ve purposefully chosen to take a different path, one that will never cross with mine ever again.

How can you stop loving someone so soon after all the time and memories we had together and all we went through together? Love is not something you put on hold. A relationship can be put on hold, but the feeling of love itself? I thought I stopped loving you at one point in the half year we broke up, but that was my own defense mechanism to stay functional.

If you have any true affection left towards me, I think it’s time to be honest and realize that you are leading me on. I was skeptical about starting to talk and spend more time together, but you made the initiative for us to do it. When I was ready to let myself heal and forget about the pain all of this has caused me, you held on tight and didn’t want us to become strangers. Why? The long drives together in the car, the late night walk at the beach, the kiss you gave me on the front step of my house, those stupid shirtless photos you sent me, the romantic dates we went on that people normally don’t do with regular friends. And yet, when I finally reciprocated the kiss you gave me, you described it with “a little uncomfortable,” that it couldn’t be reciprocated, and that you like where we are now. I get that you like “where we are now,” but where exactly are we now? Friends don’t do all that. Can I venture out to say that maybe you’re the one who is confused or in denial? Or maybe in denial that although you like where we are now, you like your own life now and you enjoy the little moments we have together, but you don’t want me mixed back into it?

I don’t think that’s fair for me to be pushed aside and to be pushed into the fray of feelings all over again. I have to say that I feel like I’m back at square one and I feel as hurt as I did many months ago.

Sometimes goodbye is easier than hello.

I randomly clicked on a page of my blog (out of nearly 200 pages of snippets) and stumbled upon an entry in 2007, written ten years ago. How ironic that the feelings I had then kind of ring true today. Nowadays I seem to have lost my words and express myself in other shitty ways, but back then I expressed myself through text because I felt like there was nobody to listen or understand.

But there are so many times, so many I couldn’t begin to tell you, where I sank deep into myself and peered out at everyone, and everyone looked like a stranger to me.

There are times now when I don’t know how I’m feeling, but somehow teenage me ten years ago was able to¬†perfectly describe how I feel today.

It discourages me, but I hope sometime before I die, I can truly be happy.

But anyways, I’m sure I’ll reach happiness (probably). Death is unpredictable, but for the most part a person’s life span is relatively long. I’ve got maybe like 50 years left on me, give or take a decade. That is a long ass time. (Unless of course, I get struck by lightning, which is nearly 1 in a million chance…and then of those people that get struck, only 10% actually die. Although, chances of being in a car accident and dying is only like 1 in 13,000 where I live. Okay, let’s just forget about that.)

I didn’t spend ten years being miserable. I found happiness in between. Acres and acres of rolling hills, up and down, up and down. Large patches of dry, brittle grass, but also large stretches of rich, green grass. It’s just a part of the process, isn’t it?

Huh. Mega coincidence that I ran into this old blog entry. Interesting. Cue the curtains to close and take away my soapbox. Carry on.

One Year

PAGE TOP