Well, I got the truth that I have been frantically searching for. I called him on Saturday, but he did not answer me, so I left a message saying I would call on Tuesday. I called him this morning two times, but he didn’t answer. He called me back at 3, but I was still asleep after crying because I was fearing that he would not answer me. Luckily I woke up close to 3 and called him back. He asked me how I was doing, but you all know how I’ve been doing… When I asked him how he was doing just for the politeness out of it, he said he was “okay,” the exact word he used.
He said he did not answer me those first two times because he was at work. At work. So he has already moved on. So he already found a job. I remember he said he would go to work because he wanted to have money to buy me things. And he preferred going to work so he could spend time with me, rather than having to go on a long vacation with his parents and not see me. But now he’s just going to work. He has already moved on. And the fact that he was “okay” while I was heart broken was pretty hurtful.
His computer still has a virus I guess, so he has not read my blog. I decided to read it to him because I had it printed out in case he hadn’t read it yet. I thought I had cried everything out, but when I started reading to him my voice became really unstable. I finished reading it to him, and asked him if he had anything to say, otherwise I would tell him the other things on my mind. He didn’t seem to have anything to say. And since I had written these things down as well here they are:
“Thursday had taught me that it’s never too late for anything. Even if you didn’t seem to have hope, I did and still do. And that made me realize it’s never too late. So in my mind and heart I forgave all of my old friends and was sorry for anything I’ve done against them. Some of them were supportive and forgave me too already. I don’t want to regret anymore.
I said that I still had hope and I still have it. It’s true. I have always been willing to try, and that has never changed because I love you and believe in you. Breaking up with me didn’t solve my pain. It grew wider and almost dangerous until I found a few people to talk to, so if you are doing this for me, rethink about it and understand you only sliced me to pieces. However, if you are doubting your feelings for me or don’t love me anymore, I understand. Well honestly, I don’t understand, but if you just tell me the truth I will slowly allow myself to accept it. If you gave us a chance I would make our relationship different. I will stop depending on you like a helpless baby. I will treat you and myself better. And I will not get so mad so easily. However, because of how I’ve seen you, I feel it is very unlikely that you would want to try again. But I just wanted to make sure so I would have no doubt on how it could have been.
If this is final I would want to be friends because you are wonderful. The only things that will make it hard are times when I’ll want to give you a hug with more than friendship in it or when I’ll want to kiss your sweet lips, or when I’ll want to hold your strong hands. And most of all, the hardest thing will be seeing you moving on and finding someone, knowing that person used to be me and maybe I wasn’t good enough. Those are the things I worry about.
If you love me and I love you why are you letting go?
If something inside you is slowly fading away how can you say you still love me?
Are you sure you’re willing to let go all of the dreams and precious moments and experiences we’ve shared?”
Maybe love means something else to you, but in my heart love is something that can’t just fade away so easily like that…
I had to get it out of him, but he finally said it: He doesn’t love me. And as much as it hurts to know this, with these words, I will be able to let myself slowly move on. Because that stupid “I – love – you – but – I – don’t – want – to – hurt – you – so – I – should – break – up – with – you – and – hurt – you – anyway” excuse is the most idiotic thing I have ever heard.
Finally, we talked about the “staying friends” thing and he said it was up to me. I honestly don’t know right now. I don’t know how well I will deal when I see him again, especially if I see him move on. It’s going to be hard because I won’t see him the entire summer. And maybe when I’m like feeling strong, I might break down once I see him again in school after so long being without him. So right now I’m just not sure.
BUT hearing the truth WILL allow me to move on. Right now it feels like I may never move on. But I will be okay eventually…I just know it somewhere in my heart… And right now I’m going to bask in my sorrow. I’m not holding back any tears. And maybe someday these tears for him will end. I still love him and feel a terrible loss. But I’ll be fine with the help of my own strength and the kindness of others…
I called Thuy right after I finished talking to him. It feels really nice to be able to talk to someone that understands. We shared our feelings and sympathy for each other. It really did comfort me. Lindy and Thuy said I should come over and hang out with them tomorrow. That’s really kind of them and I’d love to. Although I lost someone I love and found out he doesn’t love me, I feel like I still have the love of other people, something I didn’t really expect. And Steven reminding me about Amed’s party. And Sama and her welcoming hang out since she’s coming back to visit S.A. I don’t have the words to describe how I feel right now… I don’t know what to say, but I’m sure you know what I’m trying to say…