So lately I’ve been lying on my bed or on the couch a lot lately, just letting my mind blank out or wander to thoughts I’ve been pushing away for some time now.
I don’t really know where I stand on the topic of college. In the past, maybe even less than a year ago, my thought was this: I must get into a university, or it will be the end of my life. Slowly, it turned into: I really need to get into a university, but if I don’t…it will be okay…right?
Now, I’m not so sure. It’s like a tennis match inside of my brain. I keep switching from laid back mode to panic mode.
I took a look at some of the average stats for accepted applicants and I fall slightly short of the stats. Some stats I barely reach, very few I exceed, and very many I fall short. I look at the statistics and panic a little. If those scores and grades are average, what about the people that are above average? If I can’t even keep up with average, how will I ever get accepted?
If I can’t get accepted into a desired UC, that’s how it’s supposed to be. It’s for my own good, right? I’m not accepted for a reason—I won’t be able to keep up with the rigorous classes and standards. I’m going to be lost while the other students are afloat at least. Of course, there is always the financial issue; my family is not rich and going to a university would cost a lot of money. If I only concentrated on those factors, a rejection letter wouldn’t upset me too much. However, that’s not the only thing on my mind. If I don’t get accepted to a university, something I’ve been aiming for my entire life, I really haven’t lived up to my own standards. All my life, I’ve worked so hard to get into a university. All my life, I knew I was smart, or at least hoped I was smart enough. If I can’t make it into a university, although it may not be entirely true, I will feel like I am not as smart as I give myself credit for, a really big disappointment. It might be a major hit on my self-esteem.
There will always be a cal-state or a community college for me. No doubt about it, I WILL go to college at the very least. I’m slightly more informed about this now. I’ve never taken a look at such colleges before, because I only kept my eyes on the high and mighty golden trophy. However, at least two people have told me that the first two years of college will be general education, something you can get at any college. Granted, community college will be less rigorous, but it will save a lot of money. Then, after that you can easily transfer to a university. The idea doesn’t sound so bad, if you look at it that way. However, if it’s a pretty good sounding idea, why are so many people bent on getting a straight ticket to universities? For me at least, I make universities my number one goal because of all of the hard work I’ve done over the past few years. I’ve tried so hard to keep up the grades, appeal to teachers, and get more involved. If my goal had been a community college in the first place, why bother? Why bother taking a handful of Advanced Placement classes at once, spending hundreds on tests, and preparing so much?
I don’t know if I have written this down in my blog before, but before sophomore year, I really did believe I was going to an out of state university. Now that I look back at this idea, I find it crazy. I don’t even know if I can get accepted into a school in my own state. Even if I was accepted out of state, where would I find the money? Do I really want to be that far away from my family? Why move out of state when you have wonderful schools in your own state people would love to go to? I dunno. I think I even had the crazy idea of going to school in New York or Florida or Pennsylvania before. I also believed I would go to a private school. I never thought about the money. And I had this idea of getting a scholarship that would pay for it all. Reality of it is, I don’t even have one scholarship right now.
It’s really scary how time is slipping through my fingers steadily. I remember a few years ago, thinking I had some years to think about what college I wanted, what major I wanted, what career I wanted. I’ve had some progress on narrowing down my wants, but even now they’re all shaky. With every idea I have, I always look at the downside and then eventually toss aside the entire idea because of it. I just want to make a choice that I will be happy with for the rest of my life. I know there’s always time to change your major, change your plans, etc, but life can be short and every wasted minute costs extra money…
When acceptance/rejection letters come, I really wonder how I will react.