I’m probably going to get sick—I’ve been sitting outside my front door, thinking for I don’t know how long and it’s pretty cold since it is raining. I think I feel a fever already… Maybe getting sick would be a good excuse. So bring it on, flu or cold.
I’m 80% sure I’m going to cancel my birthday party. And I’m not going to any parties either because it’s not my place to make my parents take me wherever I want to go whenever I want (And of course I feel bad because two of my friends have the same birthday as me and are having their parties). I know I planned everything out and I know I said yes to the other birthday boy and girl. None of this is their fault…at all…so I feel really bad. But when I think about it, they’re still bound to have fun anyway.
My own birthday however…I feel terrible. I hope people either didn’t plan to give me a gift or at least are late shoppers and haven’t gotten me anything yet. I don’t want any gifts and I’m not having any party.
I feel so bad. Today I had Steven, Mart, and Tonny over to help me decorate. I already put up the tree and decorated it, I put up decorations and lights, and the boys spent literally hours cutting and tracing paper to make stars for me.
I hate to be the drama queen. But in all honesty, I don’t deserve this party. I had a run-in with my mom today. She said some hurtful words, but half of it was true. It wasn’t true when she said that she was meaningless to me. But it honestly sounded like she meant it. And it probably hurt me more than she’ll ever know. But that’s besides the point. What was true was when she said I was selfish. Pretty much, yeah. I am. Selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish.
I sat outside for a long time thinking about it. At first my head started running around in circles. “I’m selfish…but I had my reasons blah blah…no but I’m selfish….but….” etc. Final results? My family has said things to me that hurt me more than they’ll ever know. There are words I probably won’t forget and I’ll probably never look at them the same way again. But I can’t run away from the fact that I am selfish. Maybe that’s what it took. Maybe I needed to be broken down to finally get it.
What is my family to me? Are they just people that are there so I can ask them for something I want? Have I really ever given anything back to them? I always had this dream to go to college and get rich and then give the wealth to my family. But that’s so far away. What I have ever really given to them up until this point? I’ve tried hard in school so I could get closer, but that’s about it.
So what am I? I’m pretty useless. A nuisance.
It’s almost my 18th birthday, but I can’t say I’m proud. I act like such a kid and I need to grow up. I’m mature outside of my family, but within my family I’ve been nothing but a child.
I shouldn’t have my party because I wanted my mom to buy the cake, buy the food, buy the dessert. It wasn’t my place to want her to do all of that and get upset when she didn’t want to do it all. Furthermore, I don’t think my 18th birthday is something I should celebrate anymore. What’s there to celebrate? I’m a selfish little kid. I ask and ask and I take and take. I guess I wanted my 18th birthday to be special and I let myself get carried away, as I do a lot. I can’t let myself do that anymore. I know as much as some of my friends will be disappointed, I don’t think I should have this party.
And as for this entry…should I password protect it? Hide the shame? To hell with it. Whoever finds this will find this. And they will know how much of a selfish little girl I am.
You know, I sent in this entry today for a scholarship. Maybe all of this is just bull? Do I deserve smiling when I’m this selfish person doing things at the expense of others? I can’t even smile right now. I have this strong yearning to be far, far away. Or maybe I should listen to something true for once. Have patience, smile, and use this as a beginning to the new unselfish me? I don’t know.
I don’t know. Bed time I guess. I wasn’t joking about that fever…