So what happens after everything backfires?

My mom thinks I canceled my party to make HER feel bad.

Does she know I canceled it because I don’t want her to continue thinking that she is meaningless to me and that I’m only using her? Does she how bad I feel? No.

I tried telling her, but she didn’t seem to be listening. She would jump into another point in her argument, which would have nothing to do with what I previously said. So when I asked her to repeat what I said, she repeated it…with her own interpretation. It was all wrong.

I told her I sat outside yesterday night, thinking about what happened. I was thinking about how bad of a person I was. I felt bad and I was truly sorry.

Here’s her spin on it: I feel bad because of what happened to me.

She wasn’t even trying to listen to me. When I told her she didn’t understand and then tried to tell her again what I had meant, she cut in, said that she didn’t understand me, that I don’t understand her, and walked away.

It’s like the house of hypocrites. I’m always the one who walks away. Today, however, I realized how stupid I have been for doing that. Today, I decided, I was going to talk it through and stop walking away. My mom was the one who told me it was irresponsible of me to walk away like that. Now that I’m finally trying to change, she’s the one who walks away. I can’t even try to change. I can’t even get across what I was trying to say. I didn’t even get to say one word I wanted her to hear.

She just walked away from me, saying that we should just never talk again.

I honestly don’t understand! How am I supposed to change when people are doing the same things? It’s so hard and it hurts so much.

For once in my life I finally am not putting a reason behind my faults. All my life I’ve put reasoning behind my actions. I’ve always justified myself. Well, for once in my life, I’m owning up to the fact that I am a selfish brat and I want them to hear it and I want to earnestly apologize. But what good is this if no one is willing to listen or care?

So now here I am, feeling really low because I know I’m a selfish brat with no justification to nurse my ego, I’ve let my friends down by not attending their parties, I’ve let my friends down because I canceled the party I was getting everyone hyped up for, and I have a family who is not even willing to talk to me anymore.

I can say sorry all I want, and I have been, but it’s been getting me no where. I’ve let everyone down, including myself. I can’t make things right either, because no one will listen.

I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. Should I just wait it out? I just have this painful urge to either get away or fall asleep or just indulge in self-mutilation or suicide. Get away? No. I opted for sitting outside in the rain yesterday night instead of taking a walk because I knew I would get someone worried if I didn’t come back. Fall asleep? No. I’ve already slept for 12 hours and now I’m just too upset to fall asleep. Self-mutilation or suicide? No. Stupid. Doing that would just be selfish. I know I would get someone worried if I did anything.

But why is that? Why is it that everywhere I turn, I feel like I’m going down the dark path of selfishness again? I can’t make myself happy because that would be selfish. I can’t end my pain because that would also be selfish. So is this what life has come down to? I’m selfish no matter what?