I really don’t want to be here anymore.
I am in my room for most of the time where I see no one and have contact with no one. The times I go outside of this house or to even outside of my room into other areas of the house are only when I have the company of my friends.
I said hi to my dad this morning on my way to the bathroom, but otherwise, it’s like the only safe place is my room. I either want to be completely outside of this house or sealed shut into my room. I’ve never felt like this before. I’ve been angry at other family members before, but I’ve never felt sick in my own house. I don’t just feel angry when I’m here, I feel really sad. I haven’t even really eaten, either. The only times I’ve eaten a decent meal have been when I’m out of the house.
Today my lunch was cupcakes since Jocelyn and Jess came over today (we made cupcakes while doing our experiment).
Yesterday was my birthday and no one said anything to me. If I didn’t go out yesterday to Peter’s birthday party and talk to Marty on the phone for like four hours I think I would have gone insane. I don’t feel happy, or even at ease inside of this house.
I really should have learned to drive last summer. I was an idiot. I still have some sort of phobia of driving, but if I had started then, I could have had a license by now (since I’m 18 now). At least then I wouldn’t feel as trapped in my own house. But then again, we can’t even afford a new car. Which car would I drive? The broken down Volvo? Please. I can picture it breaking down in the middle of the road, and then I’d have to call home for help. No thanks.
And I need a fucking job. I know I’m already stressed with so much AP work and college applications, but I would probably be happier if I were occupied right now. I’m so freaking dependent, and right now I wish I could be independent. I wish I didn’t need to be dependent on people who tell me to never talk to them again. But I have no money, no car, no credit card. I need to send in my college applications and test scores online. No money or credit card? No dice.
I’m so screwed. This is pretty low.