Author : Kim

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Day 5 of Tucson, AZ

Catherine (other roommate) moved in today. Her original living arrangements did not work out, and my place had 3 bedrooms anyway. Ironically we had asked Catherine long ago if she wanted to join our 3-bedroom condo, but she declined because she had found her apartment beforehand and already paid the deposit. It turns out that her apartment was having electrical issues (no power), so the landlady had to put Catherine in a hotel. On top of that, the area in general was apparently very janky and unsafe (it’s more downtown).

My condo is in a more resort-like area with just old, retired people. The drive is pretty far from our condo to Catherine’s clinic, but our fully furnished condo is very nice and in a really safe area for a very cheap price, so she was ecstatic to live here. She had been living in hotels for the last week while looking for new housing and waiting for news on my condo. Pauline and her husband are the ones in touch with the lady leasing the condo to us (they were the ones who signed the paperwork), so it was their decision as well and they preferred making it official with the landlady, rather than having Catherine unofficially subleasing under us. That took a bit of time, but everything is settled now.

In addition to helping Catherine out, I think it’ll be a good thing because rent is even cheaper with an additional person, and I really like her (we were already friends) so I think we’ll have fun.

After Catherine moved in (not much stuff to bring in since her car is a small two-seater and she could only fit so much stuff), we went out to lunch at.a brewery and went grocery shopping at Trader Joe’s while she was buzzed haha (I was DD :p ). Later in the evening I went out to dinner with the entire apartment (Pauline, her husband, Catherine). Hopefully this is the beginning of a smooth quarter with everyone.

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Day 4 of Tucson, AZ

Today was our first day with a full schedule. Since we are still new and getting used to it, we had a few less patients than typically scheduled. I saw 8 patients today (the maximum I’ve ever seen at my other sites was 4-5 and that was a busy day). So, we’ll probably be seeing quite a few more next week than we did this week…but I am soooo tired already and ran behind schedule today. We didn’t leave until 6pm today and that was only because the hospital alarm goes off if anyone leaves the building past 6pm apparently lol. We probably would have stayed longer if we could, so that we could finish charting and looking up files for Monday.

Pauline and I have been getting lost pretty much every day to and from clinic. >_< The route is literally just going straight the entire way, and yet we still get lost. We both have no sense of direction, although I think she’s worse than I am…and that’s saying a lot :p . The streets here are very long, a lot of them are only 1 or 2 lanes, and it’s about a 20-30 min drive. So I tend to space out while driving, but since everything looks the same and there aren’t really any stores or landmarks, I end up missing the turn I’m supposed to take haha.

On the bright side, gas is cheap in Arizona. Lol.

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Day 3 of Tucson, AZ

The technician (Betty) at the hospital seems to really like me, which is a huge relief. She does a lot at the hospital and I can tell she has a lot of power in making your time at the hospital easier or more difficult. I think I get along with her quite well though.

Today the technician and our attending/overseeing doctor were both expressing their thoughts on how my classmate (Pauline) and I are handling things at the externship quite well. Pauline and I find it funny because we both personally feel we are not doing that great & could make a lot of improvements. We were joking around about how the summer quarter of externs must have set the bar pretty low. Lol. But it makes me happy to hear they don’t think we’re a disaster and that they think we are “catching on quickly.” Got a long way to go, but I think this experience is going to be good. I’m exhausted, and they’ve barely been easing us in. Tomorrow is our first full workday of patients, and then from then on it will likely be a full schedule. Here we go!

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Day 2 of Tucson, AZ

Today one of my patients told me I was absolutely gorgeous. He was 70-something years old, so I found it very endearing. It wasn’t creepy, there weren’t any ulterior motives. It was just a nice remark from a sweet old man. Sometimes we all need that little pick-me-up. Keep living, keep going, keep being fabulous.

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Sometimes goodbye is easier than hello.

Almost half a year ago, I made the most difficult decision in my life and ended our 9 year and 8 month relationship in order to save so many things that were on the line. I lost my best friend and the person I loved most. I faced my biggest fear of losing you because I wanted to save you from your own passivity, insecurity, complacency, reliance, indifference, and lack of drive. I knew that, as your most trusted partner, if I couldn’t have helped you despite how hard I tried all of these years, that wasn’t something I could personally do for you no matter how much I wanted to. I valued communication the most, and that was something that couldn’t be reciprocated on your end. I wasn’t getting back all that I was putting into us.

I knew that if you truly loved me, that you would find your way back to me.

Now…somehow, I feel like you’ve either lost your way back to me, or you’ve purposefully chosen to take a different path, one that will never cross with mine ever again.

How can you stop loving someone so soon after all the time and memories we had together and all we went through together? Love is not something you put on hold. A relationship can be put on hold, but the feeling of love itself? I thought I stopped loving you at one point in the half year we broke up, but that was my own defense mechanism to stay functional.

If you have any true affection left towards me, I think it’s time to be honest and realize that you are leading me on. I was skeptical about starting to talk and spend more time together, but you made the initiative for us to do it. When I was ready to let myself heal and forget about the pain all of this has caused me, you held on tight and didn’t want us to become strangers. Why? The long drives together in the car, the late night walk at the beach, the kiss you gave me on the front step of my house, those stupid shirtless photos you sent me, the romantic dates we went on that people normally don’t do with regular friends. And yet, when I finally reciprocated the kiss you gave me, you described it with “a little uncomfortable,” that it couldn’t be reciprocated, and that you like where we are now. I get that you like “where we are now,” but where exactly are we now? Friends don’t do all that. Can I venture out to say that maybe you’re the one who is confused or in denial? Or maybe in denial that although you like where we are now, you like your own life now and you enjoy the little moments we have together, but you don’t want me mixed back into it?

I don’t think that’s fair for me to be pushed aside and to be pushed into the fray of feelings all over again. I have to say that I feel like I’m back at square one and I feel as hurt as I did many months ago.

Sometimes goodbye is easier than hello.

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