Category : Pets

5 posts

Today is the death anniversary of our beloved cockatiel named Chubs. He lived to be 12 years old and I raised him since he was a month old.

Chubs and me in June 2007

We loved the little bugger dearly. My mom said she cried for a week straight after he passed on. I still have my heartstrings being pulled and get tears in my eyes when I think of him even today.

I had remembered my floofy boy had passed away during March of last year, but I didn’t know it was exactly today until my mom had told me today. She said she remembered because she had written it down. It’s so touching that she wanted to remember the exact day. In a lot of Asian cultures, we celebrate death anniversaries, where we honor and remember the day a loved one passed away.

Even though it has been a year, I still talk about him fairly frequently and I keep telling my boyfriend I wish he could have met him.

He was such a cute, weird, and smart little guy.

I love you, Chubs, and I miss you lots.

In the last two years of optometry school, there were 3 different life-changing things that I struggled with: My 12 year old feathered baby died. My ten year relationship came to an end. I was physically assaulted.

The evening before I took one of my national board exams, my cockatiel died from choking on food. He was my 12 year old baby. I got him when he was 1 month old and he lived with us until he was nearly 12 years old. I was living away from home and never had the chance to spend more time with him before he passed away unexpectedly and I never got to say goodbye. Sometimes when I take out my keys to open the front door, I still expect my little guy to chirp excitedly at me to take him out to play.

I initiated stepping away from someone I loved with every inch of my being because I knew it was what he needed to get out of his rut and reach the potential I knew he had in him. I still remember how scary it was doing it because I couldn’t imagine a life without him. I had hope that maybe if things were meant to be, we could be a part of each other’s lives again. I met him when I was a teenager in high school and we grew together over the next decade. Nearly 10 years of struggles and triumphs and honestly the best years of my life. It’s not often that even after a decade of being together, you still get butterflies in your stomach and you can’t wait to spend more time together. Sadly, our love story only became a long and tragic one and we grew into complete strangers. We tried over and over to slowly pick things back up, but one day it just stopped and I was ghosted. I think the hardest part for me was being left hanging and never getting closure. Someone I completely trusted suddenly disappeared and I didn’t even know if this person was even alive anymore.

To numb the pain I had tried dating again.

This led to me being raped by someone I had only known for a few hours. For a while it didn’t feel like a big deal. But over time, it ate away at me and ate away until I didn’t really feel like a person anymore. I could barely just keep going, anything to numb the pain.

I did a lot of things I’m not proud of because in some way, I had wanted some kind of control back in my life and I honestly didn’t really care if I ended up dying in the process.

It still chokes me up to remember those days in school where I wished I could have gotten help. Someone would stop in the hallway to greet me and ask me how I was doing, when all I really wanted to say was, “I’m not okay. I need help.” But I never could do that and so I would respond like a robot, “Good, how are you?” Honestly anyone time someone asked me the “How are you?” question, I felt like crying on the spot. On some mornings before my clinic shift, I would cry in my car and just sit there to give myself time to look normal again, and then go to clinic with a smile because I knew it was time to take care of patients and make some people happy.

I easily lost 10 pounds during that year and when I realized it, I thought, “Well, if I can’t feel happy maybe I can keep losing more and feel beautiful.

Sidenote: if you’ve ever wondered about or considered therapy…speaking from experience, don’t hesitate, just do it. You don’t have to go through things alone and why would you want to prolong your healing process? I came to realize that yes, although you may feel like you could deal with it on your own, why not have help coping in a healthy way, promote your well-being, and cut down your healing time exponentially? There’s such a bad stigma attached to therapy but it makes so much sense.

Even without the external factors in my life, optometry school was hard for me. I was used to an entire lifestyle of cramming and easily being a top student but in optometry school, I found myself barely holding on. I found myself surrounded by intelligent colleagues, whose brilliance I’d marvel at. I always felt like the weak link of the bunch and I knew that if I didn’t work hard, I wouldn’t be able to keep up. There were times every single year out of those four years where I felt like, “I’m not going to make it to the next year.” It takes a real toll on you for a full four years while everyone around you seems so beautiful, smart, and successful.

Even after graduation rolled by, I still didn’t get my wings because I was still having trouble passing one of my national board exams. I had my diploma but I didn’t have my license. This put me far behind in the race and left me, again, crawling far behind my classmates. It didn’t feel good. But here I am, I finally jumped through the hurdles and though I’m late, I crossed that finish line! Maybe that’s just always been my style; slow and steady wins the race. One of my friends did nickname me the “comeback kid,” in college, after all.

Soup kitchen update; I decided to volunteer for morning shifts instead and I’m much happier with my duties. ^_^ The others who were there for community service hours (issued from court) weren’t so happy with the endless chopping, but I love food prep so it was cool with me. It’s crazy to think we went from a few tomatoes to filling up a huge tub of diced tomatoes and onions for pico de gallo!

As I mentioned before, I look extremely young. This one girl, who I thought was in her 20s, revealed that she was 15 years old and was at the kitchen for probation and also went to rehab. I was shocked to find she was still a teenager, so I popped the big question of how old I look. Their thinking was, “Well if she is 15…you must be, like, 12.” LOL. When I revealed I was 23, that was when I realized most of the people around me were still teenagers but looked much older than me…

The boyfriend is back in the U.S.! It feels weird that he’s back to living 5 minutes away from me again. It still feels like he’s still overseas on his vacation. The month that he was away felt like I suddenly didn’t have a boyfriend anymore since I stopped seeing him or going out on dates with him completely for a month. I thought I’d go crazy in my loneliness without him, but I guess I’ve been keeping myself productively busy so I am in the same state as I was before he left…don’t worry. You don’t have to picture a shrunken and sickly Kim. I am ok. Haha.

(Random health note just for my own reference: at first my left arm felt like it was mildly sprained or something because it would hurt to extend my arm all the way. Then after about a week it went away and now my ring finger of the same arm is sore/hurts when moved far back. Weird. Hopefully that goes away just like my arm pain did. And the back of my left jaw hurts when I yawn too widely…it’s kinda going away though after maybe a week although I’m not so sure yet. What’s with these random pains??? @_@ lol. I may not look old but I feel old.)

And I leave you with the extremely friendly black cat that I pet each time when I go out for a run in my neighborhood! And yes this is the same one that bit me that one day…but I think that was the one time I might have accidentally brushed against his belly and set him off. I’m much more careful and aware of my exposed flesh when petting him now *sweatdrop*

Black Cat

My cockatiel Chubs likes to snuggle up next to me or next to soft things. He doesn’t like to actually be “cuddled,” unfortunately, but I’ve made peace with just looking at his cuteness and squinting my eyes & pretending to squish him in my hands. Of all places in my entire house, he would prefer being in the presence of somebody and especially next to a person. It’s really cute.

Blanket biting

Here he’s chewing on my sheet. I would prefer him to chew it more often, as opposed to really expensive things like the wires of my charger and the buttons off of a remote control. -_-

Always near me

Of all the places in my room, he would prefer standing riiiight next to me.


If I have a stuffed animal, he’ll prefer being next to that, too. That pink thing is my stuffed dog. :p

Fluffy next to blanket

In the winter, he likes to find a crevice next to my comforter and get all fluffy to keep warm. I love to stare at him when it’s wintertime – he’s SO poofy and cute!

Chubs: *preening self* Hey. Is that a camera? No paparazzi! Get that camera outta mah face!

lol :D

This will be the beginning of my “Meet Chubs” posts! haha. He is my pet cockatiel (6 years old as of now), and he is one kooky dude. I think he is terribly amusing so I thought it’d be nice to share.

I figured one day I’d do some chores before putting Chubs to sleep. I went into my walk-in closet to put some clothes away. As soon as I finished, I rushed out of the closet, slamming the door closed behind me, turned off the lights, and went to put Chubs back in his cage for bedtime since it was getting late.

I went downstairs to look for him but found his cage open and empty. He was so quiet I forgot he was still in my room! So I went back to my room, but I still couldn’t find him! I searched ALL over the house for him, and was starting to get worried. Then it dawned on me – the closet! I turned on the light, opened the door, and there he was! Poor guy! Sitting in my closet, all alone, in the dark for a couple of minutes while I looked for him all over the house. LOL. That sneaky bird must have followed me in there when I wasn’t looking. :p