Today one of my patients told me I was absolutely gorgeous. He was 70-something years old, so I found it very endearing. It wasn’t creepy, there weren’t any ulterior motives. It was just a nice remark from a sweet old man. Sometimes we all need that little pick-me-up. Keep living, keep going, keep being fabulous.
Almost half a year ago, I made the most difficult decision in my life and ended our 9 year and 8 month relationship in order to save so many things that were on the line. I lost my best friend and the person I loved most. I faced my biggest fear of losing you because I wanted to save you from your own passivity, insecurity, complacency, reliance, indifference, and lack of drive. I knew that, as your most trusted partner, if I couldn’t have helped you despite how hard I tried all of these years, that wasn’t something I could personally do for you no matter how much I wanted to. I valued communication the most, and that was something that couldn’t be reciprocated on your end. I wasn’t getting back all that I was putting into us.
I knew that if you truly loved me, that you would find your way back to me.
Now…somehow, I feel like you’ve either lost your way back to me, or you’ve purposefully chosen to take a different path, one that will never cross with mine ever again.
How can you stop loving someone so soon after all the time and memories we had together and all we went through together? Love is not something you put on hold. A relationship can be put on hold, but the feeling of love itself? I thought I stopped loving you at one point in the half year we broke up, but that was my own defense mechanism to stay functional.
If you have any true affection left towards me, I think it’s time to be honest and realize that you are leading me on. I was skeptical about starting to talk and spend more time together, but you made the initiative for us to do it. When I was ready to let myself heal and forget about the pain all of this has caused me, you held on tight and didn’t want us to become strangers. Why? The long drives together in the car, the late night walk at the beach, the kiss you gave me on the front step of my house, those stupid shirtless photos you sent me, the romantic dates we went on that people normally don’t do with regular friends. And yet, when I finally reciprocated the kiss you gave me, you described it with “a little uncomfortable,” that it couldn’t be reciprocated, and that you like where we are now. I get that you like “where we are now,” but where exactly are we now? Friends don’t do all that. Can I venture out to say that maybe you’re the one who is confused or in denial? Or maybe in denial that although you like where we are now, you like your own life now and you enjoy the little moments we have together, but you don’t want me mixed back into it?
I don’t think that’s fair for me to be pushed aside and to be pushed into the fray of feelings all over again. I have to say that I feel like I’m back at square one and I feel as hurt as I did many months ago.
Sometimes goodbye is easier than hello.
I randomly clicked on a page of my blog (out of nearly 200 pages of snippets) and stumbled upon an entry in 2007, written ten years ago. How ironic that the feelings I had then kind of ring true today. Nowadays I seem to have lost my words and express myself in other shitty ways, but back then I expressed myself through text because I felt like there was nobody to listen or understand.
But there are so many times, so many I couldn’t begin to tell you, where I sank deep into myself and peered out at everyone, and everyone looked like a stranger to me.
There are times now when I don’t know how I’m feeling, but somehow teenage me ten years ago was able to perfectly describe how I feel today.
It discourages me, but I hope sometime before I die, I can truly be happy.
But anyways, I’m sure I’ll reach happiness (probably). Death is unpredictable, but for the most part a person’s life span is relatively long. I’ve got maybe like 50 years left on me, give or take a decade. That is a long ass time. (Unless of course, I get struck by lightning, which is nearly 1 in a million chance…and then of those people that get struck, only 10% actually die. Although, chances of being in a car accident and dying is only like 1 in 13,000 where I live. Okay, let’s just forget about that.)
I didn’t spend ten years being miserable. I found happiness in between. Acres and acres of rolling hills, up and down, up and down. Large patches of dry, brittle grass, but also large stretches of rich, green grass. It’s just a part of the process, isn’t it?
Huh. Mega coincidence that I ran into this old blog entry. Interesting. Cue the curtains to close and take away my soapbox. Carry on.
My sink has been bothering me for a while now, since it drains water super slowly. I’ve heard of the magical cleaning properties of vinegar and baking soda, so I decided to look that shizzle up! So simple. And no need to handle toxic chemicals. I like it!
- Pour some boiled water down the drain.
- Pour baking soda as best as you can down the drain. Let it sit for a few minutes.
- Mix some hot water and white vinegar together and slowly dump that down the drain.
- Let it sit for about 10 minutes. Hear that fun sizzling!
- Flush your drain with some boiled water again.
For exact measurements, check out this post from Crunchy Betty.
No more gloop clogging up my drain.
Hello~ I decided to change up the colors a little bit and the banner after what, a few years? I also cleaned up the links in the sidebar and fixed up a few pages. Now that I’m finally on my summer break I thought this place needed a little cleanup. That’s as far as I’ll go in terms of changes, lol. I use this website mainly as a written platform rather than overly concerning myself with coding/graphics. Unfortunately I stopped learning & being interested in that many years ago after life started getting really busy, but I’ll never end my love of blogging. If anyone knows of any free and great WordPress theme websites, please point them my way for future reference :)
It’s been over a week since I ended spring quarter, so I’ve been enjoying my summer break. It will be my last summer before optometry school will continue for 3 more years straight, so I’m trying to make the most of it. This last week I celebrated by having all-you-can-eat sushi (my favorite!), SLEEPING IN, cleaning out my room, organizing my files & backing them up, catching up on shows and movies, reading books, hanging out with friends & eating great food, and playing video games.
If you’ve ever visited my collections page, you’ll notice all of the stuffed animals I have. Not pictured are the toys from my childhood as well. I had SO many. I’m kind of a hoarder in that sense…I had a really hard time giving any of my old sentimental toys and cute stuffed animals away. Everything that had a sentimental value or had a good memory attached to it was kept on display or in one of many clear, plastic tubs for storage. I figured I would never give them away, ever, so that I could keep them forever and look at them again. Recently, I’ve had a change of heart. I decided that I really never look at them since I have so many and many are stored away. It was time that I freed up all that space in my room (my room is very large but doesn’t have much space due to all of my toys!) and as a grown woman, these toys were probably better off donated to others. You should have seen the mess in my room for the few days as I sorted through them all! Now my room is much more spacious and I’m looking to buy a dresser & a loveseat couch. I’ve been trying to go the used route and ideally find a microfiber or leather couch for cheap. I’ve found one that seems very promising, so we’ll see how that turns out.
Oh! I also dyed my hair since this is my last summer and I won’t be able to have colored hair during the school year (since it’s not “professional”). I finally made myself learn how to french braid my own hair too! This was my second attempt and I’m pleased to say it was pretty good! (I won’t lie about how my arms were getting tired from learning how to do it though lol)
I’m hoping I’ll be blogging much more regularly now that I’m free!